|  Lists

25 Things You Should Know Before Living in Missouri

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More than just the home of Mark Twain and the loudest stadium in the world, Missouri is the most American of U.S. states, but are you sure you want to live there? Here are 25 things you should know before moving to Missouri and buying a home.

More coastline than California

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While not located on the Atlantic or Pacific Oceans, Missouri is home to plenty of lakes and rivers. In fact, Lake of the Ozarks actually has more than 1,150 miles of shoreline, which is 200 more miles than California has coastline. Plus, you’ll never have to see David Hasselhoff running in slow motion on any Missouri beach.

Turkeys outnumber people

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In 2013, about 11.7 million turkeys were butchered in Missouri. That’s nearly two turkeys for every resident of the state. Are you sure you want to live in a place where you’re outnumbered by turkeys?

You’ll have to take your out-of-state relatives to Branson

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The city of Branson is basically what you’d get if a televangelist and a ventriloquist ran off to the Ozarks together to start a family band and raise their illegitimate spawn in a souvenir shop on a strict diet of taffy and fountain drinks. Located near the Arkansas border, Branson is popular with tourists looking for some good, clean, family entertainment, and your out-of-state relatives will definitely make you take them there when they visit.

A land of beer

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Thanks to waves of German immigrants, Missouri has a beer heritage that puts most other states to shame. The state drinks beer, makes beer, celebrates beer, and even derives 6.1% of its GDP from beer production. The state is home to Anheuser-Busch, which controls 47% of the U.S. beer market, and it’s also home to a growing craft brewing movement.

It’s the Midwest’s Napa Valley

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Missouri was once the second leading wine producing state in America, but it all came to a halt when the fun police outlawed alcohol during prohibition. Now the state is in the midst of a wine revival with local producers like Chandler Hill Vineyards producing world class wines from local grapes like Chambourcin, Vignoles, and Norton.

St. Louis and Kansas City are NOT trying to escape

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Looking at a map, it’s easy to think Missouri’s two largest cities of Kansas City and St. Louis are trying to shuffle across the border into neighboring Kansas and Illinois. This is simply not the case. Both are very content within the confines of Missouri.

Missouri swings both ways

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If you live in Hawaii or Alabama you can pretty much ignore presidential election season because your vote won’t have an impact on the outcome. If you live in the electoral swing state of Missouri you actually might cast the deciding vote in the 2016 presidential election. Is it going to be President Joe Biden or President Bobby Jindal? The choice might just be yours.

World Series state of mind

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In the last 11 years, a Missouri baseball team has appeared in the World Series five times, which is more than any other state. That team is usually the St. Louis Cardinals, but the Kansas City Royals went bonkers in the 2014 postseason and nearly won the World Series. Instead the San Francisco Giants won it, which broke the collective hearts of every U.S. state except California.

Still better than California

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California only has one bear on its state flag, but Missouri has two bears. Missouri is the winner.

Twisters (not the game)

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Most scientists agree that building a giant wall along the Oklahoma border would do little to prevent large tornadoes from tearing up swaths of Missouri, but shouldn’t they at least try?

Gateway Arch is awesome

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Most structures showcased on postcards are actually disappointing in person. The Statue of Liberty is tiny up close, as is Mt. Rushmore. Authorities won’t even let you try to climb the Golden Gate Bridge and the Washington Monument is definitely compensating for something. However, the Great Arch in St. Louis is enormous and legitimately awesome, not just as a feat of engineering for its time, but also because it looks really cool.

Location is everything

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Missouri is always on top of Arkansas, which is more than Louisiana can say.

Toasted ravioli

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In most states people are content to limit their toasting to bread. In Missouri—particularly in St. Louis’ Little Italy—they “toast” their ravioli, a process that’s scientifically proven to make ravioli 80% more delicious.

Underworlds to explore

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Whether you’re a train robber on the run named Jesse James, or just someone who enjoys the company of bats, the hundreds of miles of caves in Missouri offer unlimited recreation and hideout potential.

You’ll have to dress your dog up

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Even though many people think it’s morally repugnant, if you like to dress your dog up you will not be alone in Missouri. The state holds the Guinness World Record for most dogs in costumed attire at a single location (1,326).

The dancing squirrels of Defiance

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If you’ve always wanted to own a bar and decorate it with squirrels you’ll have to pick a different state. The Defiance Roadhouse in Defiance, Missouri already features an unusual decor largely made up of taxidermied squirrels in a variety of poses (in a band, on a motorcycle, dancing with Barbie, etc).

It’s a barbecue paradise

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If smoked meats hold a special place in your heart then the Show-Me State is your Shangri-la. Estately ranked the state the fifth most barbecue-crazed in the country, and it has the fourth most barbecue restaurants per capita of any state. Kansas City is the state’s barbecue epicenter, but you’ll find plenty all across Missouri.

Missouri Real Estate

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The United States added Missouri’s lands to its real estate portfolio when it suckered the French with the Louisiana purchase of 1803. The Missouri share of the sale price was just $1.26 million, an amount that could almost buy you the lovely St. Louis home pictured above.

Most Simpson-esque Springfield

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There are dozens of cities of named “Springfield” in America, but Missouri’s Springfield was deemed the most similar to the one on “The Simpsons” (article). This is a real bragging right.

Critters and varmint

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Originally popular with French fur trappers, Missouri is home to all manner of furry critters. They got opossums, beavers and lots of bats and voles. There’s badger and skunk, some long-tailed weasels, all the usual squirrels (flying and ground), shrews, lemmings, and even armadillos. Basically, Missouri is virtual laboratory for any mad scientists dabbling in genetic engineering who’s hellbent on creating a diabolical super rodent.

Don’t get too attached to local sports teams

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Missouri is currently home to two NFL teams (St. Louis Rams and Kansas City Chiefs), two MLB teams (St. Louis Cardinals and Kansas City Royals), one NHL team (St. Louis Blues), and one MLS team (Sporting Kansas City). However, Missouri pro teams abandon the state with incredible frequency. The state has already lost four NFL teams, two MLB teams, three NBA teams, and two NHL teams. The state could very likely be down to one NFL team if the St. Louis Rams head back to Los Angeles. Are your prepared for loss and heartbreak?

Rubbing up against Kentucky

map-kentuckyMissouri’s borders total 1,056 miles, and bump up against 8 different states. Be warned though:  one of those is Kentucky. The two only share about 50 miles of border so there’s minimal contact, but be careful if you’re in the Southeast portion of the state that you don’t make a wrong turn.

Breeding ground for Hollywood actors

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In addition to rice and soybeans, Missouri produces a lot of handsome and talented actors—Brad Pitt, Steve McQueen, and Jon Hamm just to name a few. It’s too late to date those famous actors, but Missouri’s always producing more. Perhaps you can meet Footlong Frank, who currently performs with The Randy Dandies, St. Louis’ premiere comedy burlesque troupe. He might just be the next John Goodman (also from Missouri). Or, he might not. Don’t really know much about the guy.

Midwest Living

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Living in Missouri means Midwest living at its best, which is something your stuck up cousins in Oregon can’t say. Those poor bastards have to subscribe to Midwest Living just to get a a little taste of Midwest living at its best. While that publication offers fabulous fall recipes and easy no-carve pumpkin decorating ideas for even those outside of Missouri’s borders, it’s still not the same as truly living the Midwest lifestyle firsthand.

~Tank top pictured above sold by Megan Lee Designs

Gateway to Awesome

Missouri was long called the Gateway to the West, but now it’s becoming known as the Gateway to Awesome. Are you awesome enough to live there? If so, check out Missouri homes for sale on Estately real estate search.

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  |  Lists, Maps

What World Records Does Each U.S. State Hold?

 

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When choosing where to live, home buyers have to consider proximity to jobs, potential mates, family, and more. So what’s a potential home buyer to do when there are two states with equal potential? Estately would like to offer up another in their series of tie breakers—world records that have been set in each state. Perhaps your choice of residence can be swayed by the promise of an 8,500-gallon margarita (Nevada), or the chance of meeting the world’s shortest cat (California), or the opportunity to grow a really big cabbage (Alaska). Who knows? It’s a weird world we live in, so here’s how each state stacks up when it comes to being in the Guinness Book of World Records.

ALABAMA

1. Largest bubblegum bubble blown (20 inches in diameter)

2. Largest pot of baked beans (1,010.65 gallons)

ALASKA

1. Heaviest cabbage (138.25 pounds)

2. Heaviest carrot (18 pounds 3 ounces)

3. Largest collection of four leaf clovers (111,060)

ARIZONA

1. Highest barefoot water skiing speed (135.74 miles per hour)

2. Largest mariachi group performing simultaneously (555 performers)

3. Most tattoos in 24 hours by a single artist (801 tattoos)

4. Largest shaving cream pie fight (815 participants)

ARKANSAS

1. Heaviest watermelon (268.8 pounds)

2. Greatest number of layers in a layer cake (230 layers)

CALIFORNIA

1. Largest dreamcatcher (9 feet in diameter)

2. Longest tongue (3.97 inches from tip to closed lip)

3. Largest collection of comic books (94,268 unique comic books)

4. Shortest living cat (5.25 inches tall)

5. Heaviest limousine (50,560 pounds)

6. Fastest 100 meters on a skateboard by a dog (19.65 seconds)

7. Farthest marshmallow nose blow (17 feet 11 inches)

8. Heaviest pumpkin (2,032 pounds)

COLORADO

1. Loudest bark by a group of dogs (124 decibels produced by 76 dogs)

2. Largest gathering of people dressed as gorillas (1,061 participants)

CONNECTICUT

1. Largest wedding cake (15,032 pounds)

2. Largest Collection of Souvenir Plates (621 plates)

DELAWARE

1. Most holes of miniature golf played by an individual in 24 hours (4,729 holes)

2. Longest career in the same company (80 years)

FLORIDA

1. Shortest donkey (25.29 inches tall)

2. Largest pitcher of sangria (269 gallons)

3. Largest Easter egg hunt (501,000 eggs searched for by 9,753 children)

4. Largest parade of food trucks (121 vehicles)

5. Most people dressed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1,394 participants)

GEORGIA

1. Longest barbecue marathon (80 hours)

2. Busiest airport (88,032,086 people flew out of Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport)

3. Largest soda float (2,850 gallons of Vanilla coke and 7.200 scoops of ice cream)

HAWAII

1. Largest coffee mosaic (face of Elvis made from 5,546 cups of coffee in different shades)

2. Largest collection of surfboards (647 surfboards)

3. Largest ice cream scoop pyramid (3,100 scoops)

4. Largest Spam musubi (628 pounds)

IDAHO

1. Largest straw bale maze (96,847 square feet)

2. Largest pronghorn hunted (96-4/8 B&C points)

ILLINOIS

1. Smallest cat (2.75 inches tall)

2. Most people husking corn (3,463 participants)

3. Tallest man (8 foot 11.1-inches/ shared with Michigan)

4. Largest serving of salsa (6,840 pounds)

5. Largest popcorn ball (3,423 pounds)

6. Largest square dance (800 participants)

INDIANA

1. Largest rock/paper/scissors tournament (2,950 contestants)

2. Lagest calzone (69.3 pounds)

IOWA

1. Largest hokey pokey dance (7,384 participants)

2. Longest beard (17 feet 6 inches)

3. Largest clog dance (2,605 participants)

KANSAS

1. Largest tonsils

2. Largest stitched teddy bear 

KENTUCKY

1. Largest archery tournament (7,804 participants)

2. Largest water balloon fight (8,957 participants)

3. Most people performing a high five simultaneously (4,699 participants)

4. Largest game of secret santa (1,463 participants)

LOUISIANA

1. Largest Halloween gathering (17,777 participants)

2. Fastest crocheter (5,113 stitches in 30 minutes)

3. Largest human mattress dominoes (850 participants)

4. Largest macaroni and cheese (2,469 pounds)

MAINE

1. Tallest snowman (122 feet 1 inch)

MARYLAND

1. Largest crab cake (253 pounds)

2. Oldest living chicken (22 years old as of 2011)

MASSACHUSETTS

1. Longest career as an ice cream man (67 years)

2. Largest toast (as in making a toast with 32,904 participants)

3. Largest afro (5 foot 0.75 inches in circumference)

MICHIGAN

1. Largest rubber chicken toss (925 participants)

2. Largest sandwich (5,440 pounds)

3. Largest working rifle (33 feet, 4 inches long)

4. Longest fingernails (combined length of 32 feet 3.8 inches)

5. Largest snowball (32.94 feet in circumference)

6. Tallest dog (7 foot 4 inches standing on hind legs)

7. Largest swing dance (756 participants)

8. Tallest man ever (8 foot 11 inches / shared with Illinois)

MINNESOTA

1. Largest zombie gathering (15,458 participants)

2. Largest parade of snowmobiles (820 snowmobiles)

3. Most people spooning (529 participants)

4. Most people simultaneously popping bubble wrap (942 participants)

MISSISSIPPI

1. Largest twist dance (3,040 participants)

2. Most hair donated to charity in 24 hours (107.4 pounds)

MISSOURI

1. Longest pub crawl (4,885 participants)

2. Largest can pyramid (17,575 cans)

3. Longest snake in captivity (25 feet 2 inches)

4. Smallest living horse (17.5 inches to the withers)

5. Largest game of duck, duck goose (2,135 participants)

6. Longest scarf knitted while running a marathon (12 feet 1.75 inches)

7. Most dogs in costumed attire (1,326 dogs)

MONTANA

1. Oldest performing clown (98 years old)

2. Longest video game marathon on a role-playing game (48 hours 14 minutes)

NEBRASKA

1. Largest parade of classic tractors (964 tractors)

2. Largest dessert party (740 people ate from 3,800 desserts)

3. Longest wheelchair basketball marathon (26 hours 3 minutes)

4. Tallest structure built with Lincoln Logs (12 foot 4 inches)

NEVADA

1. Longest marathon playing poker by an individual (115 hours)

2. Largest hotel (7,017 rooms)

3. Largest margarita (8,500 gallons)

4. Longest domestic cat (48.5 inches)

NEW HAMPSHIRE

1. Largest lottery scratchcard (36.2 feet by18.8 feet)

2. Most lit jack-‘o-lanterns on display (30,581)

3. Most lines cleared in Tetris DX (line tally of 4,988, and highest possible score of 9,999,999)

NEW JERSEY

1. Longest ribbon cutting (5.51 miles)

2. Oldest rabbit (17 years 2 weeks)

3. Most Rubik’s Cubes solved underwater in a single breath (5)

4. Most consecutive skateboard ollies (242)

NEW MEXICO

1. First person to break the sound barrier in freefall

2. Most people simultaneously carving pumpkins (1,060 participants)

3. Fastest railed vehicle—rocket sled (10,385 mph)

4. Largest collection of cookbooks (2,970 cookbooks)

NEW YORK

1. Most expensive dessert ($25,000)

2. Most expensive wedding for pets ($158,187.26)

3. Most glasses balanced on the chin (81 20-oz glasses)

4. Most knives thrown around a human target in one minute (102)

5. Largest cheesecake (6,900 pounds)

6. Largest gingerbread village (157 buildings)

7. Most expensive omelet ($1,000)

8. Fastest time to duct tape oneself to a wall (2 minutes 12.63-seconds)

9. Largest natural breasts (seriously)

NORTH CAROLINA

1. Largest food drive by a non-charitable organization in 24 hours (559,884 pounds of food)

2. Largest biscuit cookie—chocolate chip (40,000 pounds)

3. Largest gathering of Elvis impersonators (895)

4. Longest marathon playing lacrosse (13 hours 14 minutes)

NORTH DAKOTA

1. Most people simultaneously making snow angels (8,962)

2. Largest wooden baseball bat (13 foot 5 inches)

3. Largest serving of chili con carne (2,420 pounds)

4. Largest scrap metal sculpture (157,659 pounds)

OHIO

1. Longest marathon playing kickball (51 hours)

2. Largest yo-yo (4,620 pounds)

3. Largest collection of trolls (2,990 unique trolls)

4. Largest pumpkin pie (3,699 pounds)

5. Largest meatball (1,100 pounds)

6. Longest walk-through horror house (4,951 feet)

OKLAHOMA

1. Heaviest tomato (7 pounds 12 ounces)

OREGON

1. Oldest living cat (25 years old)

2. Largest hamburger commercially available (777 pounds)

3. Largest tree hug (936 huggers)

4. Longest marathon playing wiffleball (25 hours 39 minutes 33 seconds)

5. Largest game of red light/green light (1,068 participants)

6. Most stickers on a car (10,221 stickers)

PENNSYLVANIA

1. Largest jeep parade (1,106 jeeps)

2. Highest blood sugar level survived (2,656 mg/dl)

3. Fastest typing on a smartphone (254-character text in 56.57 seconds)

4. Most dreidels spinning simultaneously (734)

5. Longest running civil court case by an individual (since December 14, 1972)

6. Most bridal bouquets caught (11)

7. Largest chocolate (30,540 pounds)

RHODE ISLAND

1 Largest sock (32 feet 7 inches long)

SOUTH CAROLINA

1. Largest living cat (922 pound liger—half tiger, half lion)

2. Hottest chili (1,569,300 Scoville Heat Units)

SOUTH DAKOTA

1. Most wins of the Mashed Potato Wrestling Championships (4)

TENNESSEE

1. Largest singing lesson (6,651 participants)

2. Longest distance traveled on a slip and slide in one hour (135,841 feet)

3. Largest Mexican wave (157,574 participants)

4. Longest tamale (15 feet 9 inches)

5. Largest gathering of people wearing duct tape (752 participants)

TEXAS

1. Largest gingerbread house (39,201.8 cubic feet)

2. Tallest free-standing house of cards (25 feet 9 inches)

3. Largest electric guitar (43 feet 7.5 inches tall)

4. Fastest sandwich made using feet (1 minute 57 seconds)

5. Most tennis balls held in the mouth of a dog (5 tennis balls)

6. Longest freestyle rap (17 hours 7 seconds)

7. Most prolific cat (produced 420 kittens)

8. Largest Frito pie (1,325 pounds)

9. Dog with largest eyes (28 millimeters in diameter)

10. Most breastmilk donated (53,081 fluid ounces)

UTAH

1. Longest fingernails ever—female (combined length of 28 feet 4.5 inches)

2. Largest gathering of people wearing only underwear (2,270 participants)

3. Largest scavenger hunt (2,079 participants)

4. Longest skid marks (longest continuous car skid = 6 miles)

VERMONT

1. Longest marathon playing kickball (41 hours, 3 minutes, 17 seconds)

2. Largest snow softball tournament (795 players, 61 teams)

3. Largest Cadillac parade (298 Cadillacs)

VIRGINIA

1. Largest mandolin ensemble (389 participants)

2. Largest gathering of people dressed like cows (470 participants)

3. Most lightning strikes survived (7 times)

WASHINGTON

1. Longest time spent continuously on a teeter-totter (75 hours 10 minutes)

2. Most expensive hot dog ($169)

3. Largest snowball fight (5,834 participants)

4. Most people dying eggs (582 participants)

5. Fastest time to print 500 sheets by a color desktop printer (7 minutes 19 seconds)

6. Largest collection of beer bottles (25,866 individual beer bottles)

WEST VIRGINIA

1. Largest bird feeder (holds 760 pounds of food)

2. Longest running online gaming guild (since February 1996)

WISCONSIN

1. Largest cheese sculpture (925 pounds)

2. Largest scoop of ice cream (3,010 pounds)

3. Longest handstand on a skateboard (2,255 feet)

4. Largest collection of Winnie the Pooh Memorabilia (10,002 items)

WYOMING

1. Oldest person to win a class championship at the World Horseshoe Pitchers Tournament (88 years old)

  |  Lists

25 Reasons You Should NEVER Live In Denver

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Sure, Denver has a strong economy, relatively affordable homes, and oodles of outdoor recreation, but you’d be making a tragic mistake if you decided to live there? Here are 25 reasons why moving to Denver and buying a home is a bad idea…

1. Marijuana Tourists

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You know how tourists in your city block sidewalks, mess up traffic, and muck everything up? Now imagine if they were super high and riding around on rented Segways.

2. You’ll Have to Buy a Bike

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Denver has more than 850 miles of paved and off-road trails to bike on. That means you can travel really far from your house before your calves cramp up and have to call someone for a ride.

3. Eric Decker Will Not Be Your Boyfriend

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Eric Decker is not going to date you. He’s married. He plays for the New York Jets. He lives in New York now. YOU HAVE TO LET HIM GO!!!

4. Locals Will Make You Appear Weak & Flabby

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Denver routinely appears on lists of the fittest U.S. cities and for good reason. Locals enjoy an active lifestyle, ample outdoor recreation opportunities, and a low obesity rate. Now imagine standing next to them dressed in a swimsuit. Do you really want to be compared to all these lean, attractive people? That’s too much pressure.

5. Great Beers = Beer Weight

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Running marathons and climbing 14,000-foot mountains with your fellow Coloradans is hard enough, but imagine trying to train for that while being tempted by hundreds of incredible craft beers made in the area. That’s not fair, beer. That’s not fair at all.

6. Bacon & Beer Festival

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Are you #^%&ing kidding? On top of everything else Denver also has a festival dedicated to bacon AND beer? How are people supposed to fit into anything besides muumuus and sweatpants in this town? Why isn’t everyone obese? Is there some kind of magic in that thin mountain air?

7. Constant Shortness of Breath

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Have you ever had an asthma attack or been on an airplane that lost cabin pressure? Why would you want to simulate that experience every time you walk up a flight of stairs like people do in Denver’s oxygen-deprived altitude? Stick to sea level.

8. Rocky Mountain Oysters

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There are few places so synonymous with eating of testicles as Denver, Colorado. Fried calves balls are served up at many local eateries, and even at Coors Field. This year-long festival of testicles is just standard eating for a city that’s gone gaga for gonads. These battered and fried crotch bits go by a variety of names—Rocky Mountain oysters, huevos de toro, little stickles, prairie oysters, cowboy caviar, Colorado tendergroins, swinging beef, bovine bulbs, and ranch plums.

9. Denver’s “300 Days of Sunshine” Is a Lie

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Denver enjoys clear skies for the most part, and far more than other hip cities like New York, Seattle, and San Francisco. However, it does not have the 300 days of sunshine like most people brag about. According to Denver Westword, the city actually enjoys around 115 clear days, 130 partly cloudy days, and 120 cloudy days. That’s still a lot vitamin D to be had, but it makes you wonder what else Denver lies about?

10. Rubbers

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Did you know Denver-based Gates Rubber Company doesn’t even make condoms? That’s false advertising.

11. Weather Changes Quickly

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When you were a kid, even on sunny days, your mom would tell you to “bring a jacket—just in case.” Same goes for Denver. The weather changes quickly. One minute it’s snowing and the next minute the sun is shining. Your mom will probably call you to make sure you’re dressing accordingly.

12. Bluecifer

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Bluecifer is a demonic blue horse that resides in a field outside the Denver airport. Some say the horse is cursed, while others say it’s plotting a stampede of neighboring Kansas. The most damning rumor is it may have given into the dark side, joined Galactic Empire, and has begun smoking cigarettes with a rough crowd. Be vigilant.

13. Spend Too Much on Ski/Snowboard Gear

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It’s going to take every ounce of effort to avoid skiing or snowboarding in Colorado. There are ski resorts everywhere, which means you’ll probably end up buying a bunch of gear and lift tickets, which will cost a ton of money. Unlike everywhere else in America the runs here are super long so it’s a long way back to the lodge to grab a beer. You will get so thirsty while skiing down a couple thousand feet of continuous fresh powder.

14. Weird Anagrams

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If you run “Denver, Colorado” through an anagram generator you can spell: Canoodled Rover, Deacon Overlord, Overloaded Corn, Caroled Rod Oven, Dance Over Drool, Caned Odor Lover, Narced Love Odor, and more. That’s weird.

15. Whoa! We’re Halfway There!

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Denver is situated at 5,280 feet above sea level—exactly one mile. Even as high as that is, it’s still not even halfway to the height of Colorado’s highest point—Mt. Elbert at 14,400 feet. Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised that so many covered wagons heading west pulled over less than halfway to the Pacific to settle in Colorado. Some might argue they stayed for the breathtaking scenery or ample natural resources, but it might just have been that locals only believe in doing something halfway.

16. Broncos Bandwagon Is Full

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A recent Harris Interactive poll found that the more Americans listed the Denver Broncos as their favorite team then any other. Estately’s study found it to still be the Cowboys, but plenty of Americans outside Colorado have definitely jumped on the Broncos bandwagon since Peyton Manning signed with the team. If you’re considering a move to Denver to pile on the bandwagon you should know you’re too late.

17. Too Much Mexican Food Variety

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Back in a simpler time, if a person felt like Mexican food he just stuck a Hungry Man Mexican Style Fiesta dinner in the microwave and let it do a few laps until it was hot and ready. Nowadays, for Denver residents, there are far too many options for Mexican food. With over 500 Mexican restaurants, taco joints, and Tex-Mex eateries in Denver—more than 14% of all of Denver restaurants—the city is awash in tacos, burritos, tortas, and more. It’s probably overwhelming.

18. Peyton Manning Won’t Come to Your Wedding

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Despite all those terrible pizza commercials, Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is a pretty cool guy. However, he will not attend your wedding if you invite him. He will respond, but he will not be buying you the Ainsley Paisley Duvet Cover Sham from Pottery Barn that’s on your registry (the Ombre Linen Duvet Cover & Sham is a far better choice).

19. John Denver

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Did you know that the city of Denver isn’t named for singer John Denver, but actually for Kansas Territorial Governor James W. Denver? Someday the locals are going to have to change the name to honor the man who gave Colorado its official state song, “Rocky Mountain High.” When this happens, they’ll probably name the city for John Denver, but using his real last name—Deutschendorf.

20. Banquet Beer

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Coors is the banquet beer, but when was the last time you were invited to a banquet? Imagine what a pain it is to organize a banquet every time you come in from mowing the lawn on a hot day and want to crack a light beer. No thanks, Denver.

21. Pressure of Voting in a Swing State

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If you live in Hawaii or Mississippi you can pretty much ignore national elections because your vote will not be deciding anything. If you live in Colorado your vote might actually impact who the next president will be. Do you really want to watch all those debates and read up on the issues? Sounds time consuming.

22. Denver Omelets Are Gross

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Are you sure you want to live in a city that’s name is included in the worst item on Denny’s menu? Sure, Denver has lots of great breakfast spots, and is famous for its breakfast burritos, and you can even have a breakfast burrito delivered to your home. But still, Denver omelets are yuck.

23. There’s No More Gold In Them Thar Hills

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Do you dream of being an old time prospector living in a shack high in the mountains, finding fortune panning for gold? That ship has long since sailed. Do you have a computer science degree? That’s probably a lot more lucrative right now in Denver.

24. Baking Recipes Foiled

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If you’ve finally mastered your grandmother’s apple pie recipe you’d best be prepared to start from scratch. Due to the altitude, baking measurements don’t quire work in Denver. You’ll have to fiddle with the ratios until you get it right, or else you’ll be forced to buy your baked goods from the likes of Humble Pie Store, The Denver Bread CompanyMermaids Bakery, and more.

25. Boycott Denver

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Nobody should move to Denver until they bring back the old Denver Nuggets jerseys. Seriously, people need to start a boycott.

Still Want to Move to Denver?

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If you won’t listen to reason and insist on moving to Denver then you might as well find a home using Estately real estate search, or download our new iPhone app.

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OTHER ARTICLES BY ESTATELY

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  |  Lists

23 Reasons You Should DEFINITELY Move to Florida

1. Perpetual Spring Break

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What if we told there’s a state where every single day can be Spring Break? It’s always warm, the sun is always shining, and if you’re unemployed and constantly drunk you can recreate the magic of your past Spring Breaks every day of the year.

2. Racial Harmony

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Racism is everywhere in the United States, but of all the states Florida is the least likely to judge you for having skin color resembling an overcooked hot dog.

3. Easy to Meet Friendly People

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Lots of Florida residents want to be your friend. And your mom’s friend. And your sister’s friend…

4. You’ll Never Swim Alone in Florida

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Swimming alone in the ocean is scary, but in Florida you can take comfort in knowing you’re never alone when you swim in the ocean! The ocean is teeming with wildlife.

5. Tim Tebow Is Still Unmarried

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He’s no longer an NFL quarterback so maybe his self-esteem has dipped a little? Maybe he’s ready to compromise those ideals and settle for someone who’s a five at best? We’re not even talking a Florida five, but something even like a Midwest five!

6. Future Waterfront Property

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Thanks to global warming that Orlando home for sale that’s currently miles from the beach could soon be prime waterfront property. Great investments can be found inland.

7. Lakefront Homes!

Mosul_Dam_sinkholeEven if your home is will never be on the ocean, it could become a lakefront property at any moment thanks to sinkholes. Just turn on the hose and fill it with water!

8. Three NFL Teams

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Florida is home to the Miami Dolphins, Jacksonville Jaguars, and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. With so much variety to choose from there’s always one team with a winning record, except for in 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2009…

9. Free Burmese Pythons

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Those suckers in New York have to pay $150-$300 for a Burmese python, plus shipping and handling. If you live in Florida, you can get your own pet python for free in the Everglades!

10. Alligators Are Not (Very) Dangerous

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You’re way more likely to die from a jellyfish sting, and the sea is full of poisonous jellyfish!

11. New Singles In Your Area

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Everyday in Florida thousands of people suddenly become eligible singles! Florida takes speed dating to a whole new level because there isn’t much time left.

12. Tired of Life in the Fast Lane?

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All lanes are slow lanes in Florida thanks to local drivers. So relax, you’re not going anywhere quickly.

13. No Need to Stress About Elections

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You could read up on the candidates and studiously read over your voters pamphlet, or you could skip it entirely because your vote often doesn’t count in Florida. They’ll probably even make you wait in line for hours to vote anyway.

14. No Judgment

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In your current town, perhaps you’re known as the area eccentric who walks around with a parrot on his/her shoulder. In Florida, you will be one of thousands of people wandering the streets with a parrot on your shoulder. Finally, no more stares and snickering… unless you were doing it for the attention all along…

15. Musical Delight

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Florida is the only state where you have good odds of catching both a Flo Rida concert and a Pitbull concert on the same day!

16. Less Government Intrusion

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If America really is a land of personal freedom then how come so many states have regulations banning “dwarf tossing?” Florida lawmaker Ritch Workman (and aspiring Pitbull celebrity impersonator) is cutting the red tape to make it legal again for diminutively-sized people to be tossed around a bar by drunken fools for cash.

17. Retirement

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If you were frugal and put money away for retirement you can sell your assets and move south to one of Florida’s many retirement communities. There’s one for any budget.

18. Making a Better America

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Florida is the only state who’s arrested the most dangerous Canadian menace to ever set foot on American soil—Justin Bieber. That’s great, but maybe Florida’s space program can launch him into space and place him on asteroid journeying to the far reaches of our solar system.

19. No More Scurvy!

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Florida produces 66.7% of the oranges grown in the United States so while people in Alaska are getting scurvy (possibly?) you’ll be making screwdrivers for breakfast to fend of this terrible disease caused by vitamin C deficiency.

20. Permission to Wear Funny Pants Granted

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With well over 1,000 golf courses Florida has more than any other U.S. state. Not only are you free to wear hideous golf pants any day you want, you can also wear your pajama pants to the grocery store. That’s freedom!

21. United We Fight Old Battles

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Florida is located in the south, but it’s now home to so many northern transplants it’s really a blend of the two. Thus, it’s the ideal place for a Civil War reenactment.

22. Everybody Has a Boat

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No other state offers so many opportunities to explore by boat, and sometimes even your own neighborhood.

23. Free Yard Cleaning

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Don’t feel like raking leaves or cleaning up that cut brush in the yard? No problem. perhaps one of the tornadoes will remove it for you and place it somewhere else for you.

ARE YOU READY TO MOVE TO FLORIDA?

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Ready to make Florida your home? Check out Florida homes for sale using Estately real estate search, or download our new iPhone app.

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OTHER ARTICLES BY ESTATELY

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Map of U.S. States Most Likely to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

  |  Lists

24 Reasons You Should NEVER Live in Minnesota

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With beautiful natural areas, a strong economy, and great quality of life, Minnesota has a reputation for being a great place to live and buy a home. However, beneath its hard candy shell lies the bitter reality that Minnesota is truly no place to live. Here’s the proof…

YOU WILL DATE GARRISON KEILLOR

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Everybody knows Garrison Keillor, the popular host of the Minnesota Public Radio show “A Prairie Home Companion,” but did you know if you move to Minnesota he’ll also want to be your personal companion? A date with Garrison starts out with a shared plate of pancakes and him recounting stories of his childhood in Anoka, Minnesota. After that you’ll take long drive in the country and he will recount more stories of his childhood. That night, you’ll go back to his place where he’ll make you some tea, provide you with a complimentary NPR tote bag, and recount more tales of his childhood. Those stories will continue for days until you collapse in exhaustion and he abandons you for someone else. You see, Garrison Keillor does not sleep. He just runs a continuous monologue like some of kind of adorably folksy robot with unlimited batteries. He’s a state treasure.

NO BOOZE ON SUNDAYS

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In Minnesota, it’s illegal to sell liquor on Sundays because Minnesota’s more uptight residents like to relive the thrill of prohibition once a week.

10,000 LAKES OF DANGER

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Minnesota likes to brag about being the largest producer of sugar beets, but with over 10,000 lakes the state might also be the largest producer of mosquitoes in the country. Now imagine an outbreak of yellow fever set to polka music?

PROXIMITY TO WISCONSIN

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Do you really want to live within close proximity to Wisconsin? What if you make a wrong turn and accidentally drive across the border. Suddenly you’ll look yourself in the mirror and realize I’M IN WISCONSIN. You’ll be thinking about all the missteps you made in life that brought you this point (Wisconsin). Are you ready face all that? Are you ready to wallow in regret, and in Wisconsin of all places?

DANGEROUS RECREATION

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Regardless of whether you call it a snow machine or a snowmobile, there’s a 100% chance you will be injured while operating one. It’s a Minnesota tradition.

PRINCE WILL NOT MAKE YOU PANCAKES

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If you’re in Minneapolis you might see local boy Prince around town. If you do see him out at a club you must never ask him if he’ll invite you back to his house for pancakes. Do you have any idea how often he gets asked that? All the time. And if you ask him he will cast a spell on you that turns you into a whacky symbol. Seriously. Prince has got crazy powers.

YOU’LL BECOME AN OFFICE DRONE

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Minnesota is home to a number of Fortune 500 companies and the odds are high you’ll work for one of them. Choose from Target, Best Buy, 3M, UnitedHealth Group, Hormel Foods, and more. You’ll get hired, work your way up to mid-tier position, and that’s when the moderate amount of dollars start rolling in. While this might feel like professional success it is really just laying the foundation for a spectacular midlife crisis.

NOBODY WILL TAKE YOU ICE FISHING

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People who grow up in Minnesota tend to stay in Minnesota, which means most people already have a social circle made up of their childhood friends. Odds are you’ll simply never get past acquaintance status with anyone you meet, which means nobody is going to take you ice fishing. And if you don’t get to go ice fishing then what was the point of moving to Minnesota in the first place?

YOU’LL HAVE ADRIAN PETERSON’S BABY

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There’s a 12% chance you’ll wind up having Vikings running back Adrian Peterson’s baby.

SECOND DEGREE CHEESE BURNS

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Have you ever had hot, molten cheese shoot out of a burger patty and scorch the inside of your mouth? It’s incredibly painful and it’s going to happen to you. People in Minnesota like to put cheese inside their burger patties and then cook them. This keeps all the cheese from dripping off while melting it, but it’s still dangerous. Some call this practice decidedly un-America, but in Minnesota they call it a Jucy Lucy.

JOE MAUER WON’T BE YOUR BOYFRIEND

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Speaking of hot, Joe Mauer (born and raised in St. Paul) plays for his hometown Minnesota Twins. He’s allegedly very attractive, but he will never be your boyfriend. He’s married and has some kids, so move along. He’s not available.

EATING “VEGETABLES”

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In Minnesota, when someone asks you to bring a salad to a potluck they mean a Jello salad, the official state salad of Minnesota (possibly not true). Should you bring an arugula or kale salad to one of these events there will be some very harsh words said behind your back, but not to your face because that’s the Minnesota way.

CANADIAN COINS

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Because of its proximity to Canada lousy Canadian coins somehow end up in all the Minnesota cash registers. Whenever you get change you’ll have to look through it to see if any coins have animals or the Queen on them.

BABY, IT’S #$%&ING COLD OUTSIDE

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Strange coins aren’t the only thing that travels south from Canada.  Horrible, biting cold that dumps feet of snow and seemingly never ends and traps you inside your house and makes it so your car won’t start and it’s all anyone can talk about for six months and AAHHHHHHHHHH! You should just retire already and buy a house in Fort Lauderdale.

COSTLY HEATING BILLS

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Even if you do succeed in breeding a herd of tauntauns you’re still going to spend a fortune staying warm in the winter. Annual home heatings costs are just about equivalent to that of tauntaun feed.

PAUL BUNYAN

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Paul Bunyan and his big blue ox left Minnesota years ago after the decline of the local logging industry. He now chops down old growth trees somewhere in Alberta, Canada.

PHO BURNOUT

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Pho, a delicious Vietnamese soup, is a staple in any Minnesota city or town with a large Vietnamese or Hmong population. You’ll eat it when it’s cold outside, you’ll eat it when you’re sick, you’ll eat it for lunch, and you’ll eat it when your bank account is low. In fact, you will eat it so much you’ll start tasting it in your dreams.

YOUR TRIGGER FINGER IS SLOW

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Are you the best at Big Buck Hunter at your current neighborhood tavern? That’s nice, but in Minnesota that doesn’t cut it. Minneapolis plays host to the Big Buck Hunter World Championship, in which the world’s top video game masters compete in a shootout that determines who the best of the best is. You wouldn’t stand a chance.

MINNESOTA ACCENT


If you’re unaccustomed to the Minnesota accent you will constantly think Sarah Palin is in the room with you whenever someone talks. If you move to Minnesota you’ll find mastering this accent will frustrate you to no end. Too practice, click the video above for a tutorial from the hilarious Minnesota-born comedian Joleen Lunzer.

MINNESOTA “NICE”

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“Minnesota Nice” is a slogan that describes the reputation of Minnesota residents as considerate, caring citizens who look out for each other. Or, you can be cynical, and choose to interpret it in the way that people politely describe the unattractive, boring friend they want to fix you up with. “What’s he like? Oh, well he’s really… nice.

LUTEFISK
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Minnesota residents get extra rations of tater tots, which is awesome, but it comes at a steep price. Much of the local population clings to some Scandinavian food traditions, such a lutefisk. This putrid, gelatinous whitefish dish is prepared using lye and all the Listerine in the world won’t wash the taste from your mouth.

YOU WILL LIVE LIKE A HAMSTER

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Because of the winter weather, downtown Minneapolis has 8 miles of climate-controlled skyways connects buildings within 69 blocks of downtown. This is great for avoiding the cold, and even better for understanding what life is like for your childhood pet hamster, except there’s no cheese prize waiting for you.

YOUR LOVE LIFE WILL SUFFER

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In the coldest, darkest, most desolate part of winter you will feel so isolated, so trapped in your home that your heart will yearn for companionship. You will gaze out your window until your eyes fall upon the snowman in your neighbor’s yard. Love starved and lonely you will develop  Snowman Love Syndrome, a common Minnesota affliction. Or, who knows, maybe you’ll survive the cold outside by creating warmth with some very nice person inside your home. Perhaps Minnesota’s winters are what you make of them.

HOME PRICES

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Throughout Minnesota, and even in Minneapolis and St. Paul, home prices are fairly affordable. Unfortunately, the costs go up when you realize you’re obligated to also buy a lake house to spend your weekends at. Do you really want to buy two houses in Minnesota? This whole article is based on discouraging you from buying even one, but if you can’t be reasoned with then you should definitely use Estately for your home search. They have an iPhone app as well, and it’s awesome.

  |  Lists

16 Reasons You Should NEVER Move to Portland

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Each day, thousands of people across America contemplate moving to Portland, Oregon. Drawn by its creative culture, influential arts and food scene, and rising popularity, many think Portland is the place to be. Unfortunately, they couldn’t be more wrong. Portland is a terrible place to live, and to prove it we’ve come up with 16 reasons you should never make it your home.

INTOLERANCE

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Portland residents pride themselves on their tolerance of other people, but then where does all their natural, human intolerance go? It has to be dumped somewhere, so the locals unleash it on gluten. What does Portland have against a substance in grains that makes dough elastic and food delicious? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you. Gluten intolerance is the prejudice du jour in Portland. Having a dinner party? Better make sure there’s a gluten-free alternative for Kevin. Want to discuss current events? Too bad, Kevin’s going to steer the conversation right back to his favorite topic—his gluten-caused flatulence.

ABBY WAMBACH WILL NEVER BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND

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Abby Wambach is a lot of things—a Portland resident, American soccer hero, and total badass—but one thing she isn’t is “your future girlfriend.” You can cover your walls with her posters and walk Portland’s streets in hopes of bumping into her, but Portland’s #1 heartthrob still isn’t going to be your girlfriend. She married her longtime partner back in 2013 so she’s going to be living happily ever after with her, not you. Sorry, about that. Here, have a beer…

CRAFT BREWERS ARE TOO CRAFTY FOR YOU

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If Portland is ever washed away it won’t be because the Willamette River floods, it will because the city drowns itself in beer production. Brewing beer is a noble pursuit, and in any other city your brewing efforts would be a welcome addition, but what do you think you can add to the Portland beer market? Boring Brewing is already brewing up IPAs with a touch of rye. Rogue is brewing a braggot with Marionberries and honey, and Upright Brewing is flavoring some of its beers in gin barrels. That covers about 0.05% of the beers brewed in the area so good luck coming up with something unique. The locals have already mastered it.

YOUR FOOD CART IDEA IS NOT ORIGINAL

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You stayed up late dreaming up an incredibly original food cart concept that you’ll start once you move to Portland, right? Guess what? Somebody’s already done it, and done it well. Your Scandinavian burrito idea? Ingrid’s Scandinavian is already wrapping the good stuff up in lefse. Meat dumplings from an obscure former Soviet republic? Kargi Gogo is already serving up khinkali that’s dzalian gemrielia. Maybe you thought PB&J french fries was original? Nope, Potato Champion is already cranking them out, as well as vegan poutine. It’s strongly recommended you abandon your food cart dreams.

YOU’RE STILL GOING TO START A FOOD CART?

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Undeterred? Be sure to check out Portland Craigslist, which is littered with the abandoned dreams of the foodie entrepreneurs who have come before. There are currently 43 used food carts and trucks for sale on the site. Be sure to save the ad copy from the one you buy for when you can re-list it.

YOU CAN’T PUMP YOUR OWN GAS

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You can pretend it’s no big deal, but one of the greatest modern joys is pumping your own gas. This is outlawed in Oregon so instead of being self-sufficient you’ll sit around waiting for a station attendant to perform this simple task. This means you won’t experience the guilt-free thrill of inhaling gasoline vapors, or the joy that comes with turning the pump off at just the exact moment the price reaches a whole dollar amount.

YOUR YARD WILL BE OVERUN BY FLIGHTLESS BIRDS

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It’s not officially mandated by Portland law, but the social pressure to keep a small flock of backyard chickens is immense. Once you’ve purchased a stylish coop from Saltbox Designs, you’ll then have to splurge on organic, gluten-free grain so you can barter the eggs for foraged edibles at the local farmers market.

NO COUNTRY FOR YOUNG CONSERVATIVES

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Even if you try and pass off your Ronald Reagan tattoo as ironic, the locals will generally view any expression of conservatism with utter disdain.

PORTLANDERS BE SHOPPING

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There’s no sales tax in Oregon, which means you’ll be more inclined to spend those dollars out shopping, but wait! Your income is taxed, your property is taxed, and so is your business! Actually, taxation is a pretty standard practice for any place that has a government so maybe this isn’t such a shocking revelation.

YOU CAN’T GET MARRIED AT THE CHURCH OF ELVIS

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Back in the old days, if two people met at a bar, and got drunk enough to make regrettable decisions, they could get married after closing time at the Church of Elvis. Now it’s closed (they will still make house calls), so instead you’ll have to get married at a doughnut shop instead. It’s like nothing is sacred anymore in Portland.  Wait, the doughnut shop wedding comes with 24 free doughnuts? Ok, that’s cool.

THE BAGELS ARE NOT ELITE

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If you’re reading this then you’re probably a New Yorker answering the call of the New York Times to colonize the Rose City and turn it into New Brooklyn. Congratulations, your substantial trust fund puts you at a distinct advantage when to comes to cornering the artisan pickle market. However, you should know you’ll be horribly disappointed by the local bagels. Apparently forming a dense bread by rolling dough into a ring and boiling it requires some incredible sophistication only you New Yorkers can master, even if the rest of the country can’t tell the difference. Maybe you can learn to love doughnuts instead?

NO IN-N-OUT BURGER IN PORTLAND

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If you’re not a New Yorker, but you’re still considering moving to Portland then you’re probably a Californian. Two things you should know. First, everyone in the Northwest despises Californians, but they’re all so passive aggressive they’ll never tell you directly. Second, there are currently no In-N-Out Burger franchises in Oregon. However, there’s a rumor the chain is about to cross the border with a franchise in Medford, which is just 273 miles to Portland’s south. You Californians don’t mind driving for hours so that’s probably cool.

THERE ARE NO JOBS

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The top complaint among people moving to Portland is the utter lack of jobs. Oregon has the 8th highest unemployment rate (7.2%), and the Portland-Vancouver-Hillsboro metro area is at 6.6%. Also, Portland’s a cliquey city so it’s hard to make connections. If you did find a job it would probably be at Nike, so you’d probably spend your work day thinking up new ways to make college football jerseys so ugly people will stop playing football. Do you really want to be what causes America’s favorite sport to end?

YOU HAVE A SUBPAR BEARD

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Do you possess the rugged beard of a 19th century logger rolling champion? If not then you’re wispy whiskers will prove insufficient for the Portland lifestyle. Your only solution will be to spend $3,000-$7,000 on beard implants, a costly surgical procedure that removes hair from the scalp or chest and grafts it onto your face. That’s painful.

BLAZING A TRAIL TO LAST PLACE

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Clifford “Uncle Cliffy” Robinson doesn’t play for the Trail Blazers anymore, and neither do Clyde Drexler, Terry Porter, or Arvydas Sabonis. Sure, the team’s got some young talent and some of the NBA’s best fans, but it’s not the good old days when the Rose Garden was a rockin’ and other teams were scared to come a knocking.

PORTLAND HOMES ARE TOO NORMAL

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There are currently over 3,000 homes for sale in Portland. Many of them are modest homes, moderately priced, with ample yard space for a garden. However, not one of these homes has a bowling alley in the basement, or a helipad on the roof, or a moat, or a bomb shelter. Do you really want to live somewhere so conventional? If you do, and we really recommend you don’t, you can check out Portland homes for sale on Estately.

  |  Lists, Maps

Which U.S. States Have the Most Immature Men?

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A recent Pew Research report that shows the continued decline of marriage rates has opened a debate about the decline in men who are worthy of marrying. Why are men increasingly undesirable? Experts point to a high unemployment rate among men, lower college enrollment, and an increase in the number of adult males living at home with their parents (20 percent of men ages 25-31 live at home, while just 12% of women do).

However, it’s also possible this is the result of the growing number of men basking in a prolonged state of adolescent immaturity? Could it be that people are simply not interested in cohabitating with men who do little more than drink with their buddies, play video games, and watch porn? If this is the case, where are these types of guys most plentiful and where are they least common? Estately set out to determine which states have a higher percentage of adult males still sleeping between their childhood Star Wars sheets by using these (typically male) immaturity measurements…

  1. No Job (unemployment rate for each state)
  2. Fantasy Football Enthusiasm (expressed interest for fantasy football by male Facebook users ages 25-65 in each state)
  3. Beer Pong Enthusiasm  (expressed interest for beer pong by male Facebook users ages 25-65 in each state)
  4. Video Game Enthusiasm (expressed interest for video games by male Facebook users ages 25-65 in each state)
  5. Enthusiasm for watching The Family Guy (expressed interest for The Family Guy by male Facebook users ages 25-65 in each state)
  6. Porn Viewership (number of porn downloads per capita in each state)

In the end we discovered the country’s most immature men are congregated in the Midwest, Great Lakes, Southwest, and Appalachia. The most mature were in the Northwest, Mountain West, and South.

 

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10 STATES WITH THE MOST IMMATURE MEN

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1. RHODE ISLAND

It’s unfortunate that Rhode Island isn’t a real island because that could provide an excuse for the thousands of man-sized children who’ve failed to launch there. Grown men still gather around their families’ televisions to laugh at Family Guy (1st), then retreat to the basement for some fart jokes and beer pong (2nd). If you’re interested in dating single men you might want to consider a different locale (not Delaware).

2. DELAWARE

This sliver of land wedged between Maryland (30th) and New Jersey (43rd) is Delaware (2nd), a hotbed for men who still sleep in their childhood bunk beds. The closest these man babies get to interacting with eligible singles in their area is when they unwittingly open email attachments promising “lonely singles dying to meet you.” This is why their mom’s computer doesn’t work anymore. This is why you’re banned using it for anything but job searches..

3. ILLINOIS

A lot of men in Illinois could have afforded their own apartment if they hand’t spent their money on a tablet so they could update their fantasy football teams while still watching naked people frolic on their laptops. For those in Illinois interested in dating a grown man instead of fledgling human, there’s a horrible reality they’ll need to come to terms with. Illinois is at the geographic center of male immaturity. Neighboring Indiana (12th), Iowa (14th), and Missouri (17th) offer only slightly more mature options.

4. NORTH DAKOTA

Because North Dakota’s men get up and go to work everyday (lowest unemployment in U.S.) perhaps they can be forgiven for indulging in the youthful pursuits of fantasy football (3rd), Family Guy (2nd), and beer pong (3rd).

5. OHIO

Old School was a comedic classic, however, it is not a template for how a man should actually live out his 40s. A large percentage of Ohio’s adult male population don’t think this way though. It’s something to think about the next time you yell out to a middle aged friend, “You’re my boy, Blue!”

6. MICHIGAN

Is it possible the prolonged adolescence that lasts well into one’s forties is simply a learned behavior ingrained in young men who attend Big Ten schools? That would be a simple way to explain why the large swath of male immaturity that spreads out around states near the Great Lakes.

7. KENTUCKY

Give a man at an arcade a few tokens and he’ll play video games for a minute. Give a Kentucky man an Xbox and put it in his mother’s basement and he’ll never move out and find a job. Kentucky is tops for playing video games, and it’s has fourth highest unemployment rate. Is there a connection?

8. NEVADA

Las Vegas has long been a destination for men looking to relive their most immature party days, so it’s not surprising that many of those people end up moving there. Unfortunately, when they do they often behave like a tourists, lose their jobs, and end up sitting in a dark room playing video games all day.

9. NEBRASKA

An average day in an overgrown boy’s life in Nebraska starts with his mom waking him up, then he kisses his high school football trophies good morning, goes to work (spends 7 hours watching Tosh.0 and searching online for new fart jokes), picks up dinner at Jack ‘n the Box, plays Madden until midnight, kisses his high school football trophies goodnight, and goes to bed and dreams about beer bonging.

10. WISCONSIN

Every culture has certain milestones or rituals that represent a boy crossing the threshold to manhood. Unfortunately, in Wisconsin the widely accepted right of passage is simply when a boy defeats his older brother’s high score in Grand Theft Auto 5.

10 STATES WITH THE MOST MATURE MEN

1. UTAH

Aside from playing video games, Utah’s male population exhibits some fairly mature traits. Sure, the state waters its beer down to the point of it being almost pointless to drink, and the marrying age is ridiculously young, but it’s still a state where sober reasoning wins out over the impulsive decisions most men left behind with puberty.

2. IDAHO

While male residents in West Virginia are still belching the alphabet to impress women, the men of Idaho are off changing the oil in their pickup trucks and never asking their moms to pay their cellphone bills.

3. WASHINGTON STATE

Washington state is home to the Seattle Seahawks, which drafted Russell Wilson to be its franchise quarterback. Ohio is home to the Cleveland Browns, which drafted Johnny Manziel to be its QB. Perhaps this reflective of the attitude that has each state on opposite sides of the spectrum.

4. MONTANA

What if America’s Western expansion was really just people trying to move away from men whose parents had deemed them to irresponsible to have pets? All Westerners aspire to have guinea pigs. There, somebody’s finally said it.

5. FLORIDA

Florida’s stats are skewed because the high numbers of older men skew these stats. You’ll find plenty of immature men in Florida.

6. VERMONT

Look, when you’re the beer pong champion in college people are going to keep testing you to claim your throne and you have to defend it. Vermont may be #1 for beer bong enthusiasm, but it’s still home to a high percentage of mature men. You know, the kind of men who put in a hard days work at the ice cream factory and then deliver a pint to their girlfriend. That’s so unlike Massachusetts where dudes text their girlfriends at 1am to ask, “You up? I just rented a new game from GameFly. Can me and my buddies come over cuz my mom took away my Xbox.”

7. OREGON

Oregon may not be doing so well on the job front (8th highest unemployment rate), but they’re using the extra free time to craft their own beer, not just hang out in their tree forts drinking their dad’s beer.

8. NEW JERSEY

Looking for a mature man who won’t divorce you and never plays video games? The Garden State is producing a surprisingly mature crop of men. Take note New Yorkers.

9. WYOMING

Men in Wyoming don’t have time to watch pornographic videos on the interwebs because they have a high rate of employment and agricultural jobs that don’t allow for much free time. Or it’s because they still have dial-up internet.

10. ALASKA 

Why play Duck Hunt on your old NES when you can actually hunt ducks? Why play beer pong, a game designed to make the other person drink, when beer is more expensive than in any other state? Why look at porn when you can place snowmen in lewd positions 10 months out of the year. This is Alaska, a state that’s long been inhospitable to immature men who can’t survive on their own.

  |  Maps

Did You Know They Secretly Replaced Your Regular Coffee?

secretly-replaced

Perhaps it’s none of our business, and perhaps you’d prefer to remain in the dark, but we felt like people should know their regular coffee has been secretly replaced with something else. Why was this done? To see if you could tell the difference. What does this have to do with real estate, or buying a home, or choosing where to live? Perhaps nothing, but we just thought you should know.

  |  Lists, Maps

So This Is What Americans Dream About

dream-map

Because mapping out each U.S. state’s sordid internet search histories isn’t nosy enough, Estately teamed decided to peek at each state’s dreams by teaming up with DreamsCloud, a site that helps users find meaning and deeper understanding in their dreams. DreamsCloud analyzed the dream descriptions of users in each state and provided the five most common words/symbols that appear for each. We put the most frequently mentioned symbol on the map and listed the top five below. Estately attempted to assign meaning to the most common dream symbols for each state. Feel free to provide your own interpretations in the comments section. We’ll share the best ones on social media. And be sure to check out DreamsCloud’s Dream Dictionary for a far more insightful analysis of the meaning individual dream symbols.

ALABAMA:  high school / dancing / sex / breasts / beach house

Instead of reading a book before bed, residents of Alabama like to watch their Girls Gone Wild tape on VHS.

ALASKA:  magic / falling / old man / school / hands

Alaska is filled with wild animals and creepy dreams.

ARIZONA:  bedroom / left / talking / thief / phone

The greatest fear for an Arizona resident is that someone will steal their phone. This could be said about everyone under the age of 40.

ARKANSAS:  *no data

Perhaps people in Arkansas sleep so soundly because they never dream at all?

CALIFORNIA:  talking / back / people / down / house

You know how people always say they wish they could record their awesome dreams and make them into a movie? In California their dreams are so boring they just make movies instead.

COLORADO: dog / hello / rhyme / gunshots / teacher

One of the worst symptoms of altitude sickness is dreaming that you’re a canine rapper dodging gunfire on your way to school.

CONNECTICUT:  baby / flight / shopping / fire / mall

A common fear in Connecticut is that date night will be canceled because the Sbarro at the mall is closed because of a fire.

DELAWARE:  speeding / terrorist / guns / broken car / stalker

Dream time in Delaware is basically just a Die Hard movie.

DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA:  drugs / dark / car / crown / train

If you’re a drug kingpin in D.C. it’s a real dream dilemma choosing what mode of transport to smuggle your goods.

FLORIDA:  bathroom / house / day / cruise ship / nye

It doesn’t matter if you’re at home, on a cruise ship, or hanging out with Bill Nye, the primary concern is bathroom proximity.

GEORGIA:  grocery / argue / diapers / bus / bed

Selecting the wrong brand of diapers at the store can get you thrown out of the house or run out of town. THIS STATE WEARS HUGGIES!!!

HAWAII:  music / father / family / furniture / bathroom

Did you know that there are a shortage of garages in Hawaii and that’s why most family bands have to practice in the bathroom?

IDAHO:  Japanese writing / shooter / signs / raw eggs / airport

If you’re an Idaho car service driver you have a couple real concerns:  1. Making a sign the Japanese businessman you’re picking up at the airport can read so he knows you’re his driver. 2) Training like Rocky Balboa, which includes chugging raw eggs like oyster shooters.

ILLINOIS:  airport / girlfriend / car / people / dragon

Would you rather drive your girlfriend to the airport during a rush hour or battle a dragon? There’s no correct answer here.

INDIANA:  blue / bear / down / ex-boyfriend / night

Feeling blue? Ex-boyfriend got you feeling down? Well get ready to meet somebody new at Bear Night, the Midwest’s most exciting bear-themed bingo event.

IOWA:  angels / carnations / steal / airplane / ace

Ever have that recurring dream that your a WWI flying ace and you’ve stolen an airplane to fly to heaven to win the heart of a beautiful angel by presenting her with a bouquet of carnations? You would if it was 1920 and you lived in Iowa.

KANSAS:  above / accelerating / abyss / abutment / accordion

Kansas residents don’t get very far into the alphabet when they dream.

KENTUCKY:  ex-boyfriend / loss / blame / black hole / whiteness

If you’ve lost your ex-boyfriend when he was sucked into a black hole then you only have your whiteness to blame… apparently.

LOUISIANA:  drugs / sex / bike / vampire / moving

The lesson here is if you’re going to do drugs and sex stuff with vampires at least travel by bicycle because of global warming, and also because you’re really high and not in the right state of mind to operate heavy machinery.

MAINE:  screaming / ghost / haunted / laughing / laugh

In Maine’s libraries, the collected works of Stephen King are found under humor writing, not horror.

MARYLAND:  conscious / drum set / acid / firefighter / cemetery

Dream time in Maryland is basically that really cool older kid from up the street who you later learned was a total loser.

MASSACHUSETTS:  abyss / tidal waves / applications / team / accident

You’re a team of programmers working on a new iPhone app that can save the world from natural disasters and nuclear accidents, but can you complete your task before your alarm clock wakes you?

MICHIGAN:  down / big / over / rock / (the S-H word)

Bunch of potty mouth Neanderthals in Michigan

MINNESOTA:  bus / falling / crowd / building / inside

Imagine if instead of dreaming you just re-watched Speed (starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock) over and over. That’s real life in Minnesota.

MISSISSIPPI:  cheating / doctor / water / adultery / sex

If this were a game of Clue, a good guess would be Doctor X… in the swimming pool… with your husband?

MISSOURI:  sex / party / ex / friends / Disney

Oddly, a Missourians greatest fear when attending a sex party dressed like a Disney character is bumping into an ex-girlfriend of ex-boyfriend hanging out with all his/her friends.

MONTANA:  friends / murder / fire / fame / artist

Sort of figured everyone in Montana just dreamed about Brad Pitt fly fishing in A River Runs Through It, but it’s actually much darker than that.

NEBRASKA:  piglet / sand / business card / afterbirth / Grenada

Hi, my name is Linda and my professional goals include moving to Grenada and running along the beach with my pet piglet. Here’s my business card…?

NEVADA: house / hotel / fire / body / street

Arsonists have the bulk of anxiety-filled dreams in Nevada.

NEW HAMPSHIRE:  house / sex / time / day / bedroom

The logistics of sex are really keeping New Hampshire up at night.

NEW JERSEY:  running / kiss / tornado / holding hands / co-worker

New Jersey dream date:  Take co-worker to a KISS concert, hold hands, kiss, and then fly away to somewhere else together in a tornado. Awesome.

NEW MEXICO:  sitting / tongue / ear / back / car

Do you want to fool around in the back of a parked car? New Mexico does.

NEW YORK:  family / cats / city / death / people

Some day, when humanity has vanished, New York will be repopulated by a large family of tabby cats.

NORTH CAROLINA:  amusement park / abdomen / soda / cafeteria / stabbed

If you’re in North Carolina at an amusement park and you experience a stomach ache it’s either bad cafeteria food or you’ve been stabbed.

NORTH DAKOTA:  *insufficient data

Since there’s no measurable data, this is just a guess, but everyone in North Dakota dreams they’re the Highlander, and there can only be one Highlander!

OHIO:  down / fear / relationship / car / family

Basically, Ohio residents just dream their stuck on a family road trip all night every night.

OKLAHOMA:  birds / green / river / family / paintings

If they didn’t have families to take care, Oklahomans would probably follow their dreams of moving to Portland, Oregon to become bird portrait artists.

OREGON:  people / stomach / talking / day / marriage

Before he could say “I do” the 7-layer burrito he’d unwisely eaten started audibly rumbling in his stomach and the marriage was doomed.

PENNSYLVANIA:  sales / walls / choking / ocean / lion

A classic Philly pick-up line people dream of hearing is “Hey baby, when I’m not making sales calls while boxed in by these cubicle walls I like to strangle lions in the ocean. Can I buy you a drink?”

RHODE ISLAND:  island / demon / flight / friends / phone

If you’re ever trapped on a demon-filled island with your friends it’s probably Rhode Island (*not an island).

SOUTH CAROLINA:  bed / ocean / bedside / school / can

That’s boring, South Carolina. Boring.

SOUTH DAKOTA:  cupcake / bank / Tessa Dee / cheating / crying

Tessa Dee is the reigning Miss South Dakota and the state’s residents would like to buy her a cupcake.

TENNESSEE:  friends / adultery / little / sand / singer

Those country song themes really invade dream time in Tennessee.

TEXAS:  family / man / driving / crowd / airport

If you’re reading this from inside an airport shuttle bus heading to a Texas airport you might want to check and see if your driver is asleep.

UTAH:  breasts / back / couch / house / lean

A common dream in Utah is that you’re back at the house, sitting on the couch, eating a chicken breast Lean Cuisine with broccoli florets and a pomegranate sauce.

VIRGINIA:  test / friends / left / family / down

When you flunk a test in dreamland in Virginia you’re letting down a lot of friends and family.

WASHINGTON:  cats / wedding / laser / family / hide

Everyone in Washington has a recurring dream in which the cat finally gains control of the laser pointer and ruins a family wedding.

WEST VIRGINIA:  apple / adventure / lap dance / science / body

For a lonely pervert, the lap dance was very enjoyable, but as a scientist the lap dance really provided a Galileo moment in providing a great understanding of gravity.

WISCONSIN:  time / keys / new / black / people

Ever have that dream you travel back in time so you can be the first person to tell everyone about a new band called The Black Keys? That’s sad.

Don’t believe our interpretations for these states are correct? Let us know your own interpretations in the comments, and be sure to check out DreamsCloud for far better dream analysis.

  |  Maps

Yet Another Map…

us-tourist-map.

We didn’t catch the tourist’s name (sounded like Rory), and he was a little unclear on where he was from—Russia, perhaps? Might have been Belarus? It was definitely not Peru. Regardless, he was fairly inebriated thanks to his recent consumption of a vast amount of 24 oz cans of Tilt Blue Lemon Lime, an alcoholic beverage he could not stop singing the praises of.

We asked for his impressions of what he’d seen traveling across America and then we created this map depicting what he told us. He had not visited every state, but he managed to fill in the blanks with stuff he’d seen on American Idol and Maury. Estately does not vouch for the validity of this tourist’s geography, and in facts disagrees strongly with most of it. However, we do vouch for the incredible user experience that awaits you if you try Estately’s phenomenal real estate search site or download the Estately iPhone App.

OTHER ARTICLES BY ESTATELY

The United States of Fear:  Which States Are the Scariest

Which U.S. States Most Love the 1980s?

Map of U.S. States Most Likely to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse