Sure, Denver has a strong economy, relatively affordable homes, and oodles of outdoor recreation, but you’d be making a tragic mistake if you decided to live there? Here are 25 reasons why moving to Denver and buying a home is a bad idea…
1. Marijuana Tourists
You know how tourists in your city block sidewalks, mess up traffic, and muck everything up? Now imagine if they were super high and riding around on rented Segways.
2. You’ll Have to Buy a Bike
Denver has more than 850 miles of paved and off-road trails to bike on. That means you can travel really far from your house before your calves cramp up and have to call someone for a ride.
3. Eric Decker Will Not Be Your Boyfriend
Eric Decker is not going to date you. He’s married. He plays for the New York Jets. He lives in New York now. YOU HAVE TO LET HIM GO!!!
4. Locals Will Make You Appear Weak & Flabby
Denver routinely appears on lists of the fittest U.S. cities and for good reason. Locals enjoy an active lifestyle, ample outdoor recreation opportunities, and a low obesity rate. Now imagine standing next to them dressed in a swimsuit. Do you really want to be compared to all these lean, attractive people? That’s too much pressure.
5. Great Beers = Beer Weight
Running marathons and climbing 14,000-foot mountains with your fellow Coloradans is hard enough, but imagine trying to train for that while being tempted by hundreds of incredible craft beers made in the area. That’s not fair, beer. That’s not fair at all.
6. Bacon & Beer Festival
Are you #^%&ing kidding? On top of everything else Denver also has a festival dedicated to bacon AND beer? How are people supposed to fit into anything besides muumuus and sweatpants in this town? Why isn’t everyone obese? Is there some kind of magic in that thin mountain air?
7. Constant Shortness of Breath
Have you ever had an asthma attack or been on an airplane that lost cabin pressure? Why would you want to simulate that experience every time you walk up a flight of stairs like people do in Denver’s oxygen-deprived altitude? Stick to sea level.
8. Rocky Mountain Oysters
There are few places so synonymous with eating of testicles as Denver, Colorado. Fried calves balls are served up at many local eateries, and even at Coors Field. This year-long festival of testicles is just standard eating for a city that’s gone gaga for gonads. These battered and fried crotch bits go by a variety of names—Rocky Mountain oysters, huevos de toro, little stickles, prairie oysters, cowboy caviar, Colorado tendergroins, swinging beef, bovine bulbs, and ranch plums.
9. Denver’s “300 Days of Sunshine” Is a Lie
Denver enjoys clear skies for the most part, and far more than other hip cities like New York, Seattle, and San Francisco. However, it does not have the 300 days of sunshine like most people brag about. According to Denver Westword, the city actually enjoys around 115 clear days, 130 partly cloudy days, and 120 cloudy days. That’s still a lot vitamin D to be had, but it makes you wonder what else Denver lies about?
Did you know Denver-based Gates Rubber Company doesn’t even make condoms? That’s false advertising.
11. Weather Changes Quickly
When you were a kid, even on sunny days, your mom would tell you to “bring a jacket—just in case.” Same goes for Denver. The weather changes quickly. One minute it’s snowing and the next minute the sun is shining. Your mom will probably call you to make sure you’re dressing accordingly.
Bluecifer is a demonic blue horse that resides in a field outside the Denver airport. Some say the horse is cursed, while others say it’s plotting a stampede of neighboring Kansas. The most damning rumor is it may have given into the dark side, joined Galactic Empire, and has begun smoking cigarettes with a rough crowd. Be vigilant.
13. Spend Too Much on Ski/Snowboard Gear
It’s going to take every ounce of effort to avoid skiing or snowboarding in Colorado. There are ski resorts everywhere, which means you’ll probably end up buying a bunch of gear and lift tickets, which will cost a ton of money. Unlike everywhere else in America the runs here are super long so it’s a long way back to the lodge to grab a beer. You will get so thirsty while skiing down a couple thousand feet of continuous fresh powder.
14. Weird Anagrams
If you run “Denver, Colorado” through an anagram generator you can spell: Canoodled Rover, Deacon Overlord, Overloaded Corn, Caroled Rod Oven, Dance Over Drool, Caned Odor Lover, Narced Love Odor, and more. That’s weird.
15. Whoa! We’re Halfway There!
Denver is situated at 5,280 feet above sea level—exactly one mile. Even as high as that is, it’s still not even halfway to the height of Colorado’s highest point—Mt. Elbert at 14,400 feet. Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised that so many covered wagons heading west pulled over less than halfway to the Pacific to settle in Colorado. Some might argue they stayed for the breathtaking scenery or ample natural resources, but it might just have been that locals only believe in doing something halfway.
16. Broncos Bandwagon Is Full
A recent Harris Interactive poll found that the more Americans listed the Denver Broncos as their favorite team then any other. Estately’s study found it to still be the Cowboys, but plenty of Americans outside Colorado have definitely jumped on the Broncos bandwagon since Peyton Manning signed with the team. If you’re considering a move to Denver to pile on the bandwagon you should know you’re too late.
17. Too Much Mexican Food Variety
Back in a simpler time, if a person felt like Mexican food he just stuck a Hungry Man Mexican Style Fiesta dinner in the microwave and let it do a few laps until it was hot and ready. Nowadays, for Denver residents, there are far too many options for Mexican food. With over 500 Mexican restaurants, taco joints, and Tex-Mex eateries in Denver—more than 14% of all of Denver restaurants—the city is awash in tacos, burritos, tortas, and more. It’s probably overwhelming.
18. Peyton Manning Won’t Come to Your Wedding
Despite all those terrible pizza commercials, Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is a pretty cool guy. However, he will not attend your wedding if you invite him. He will respond, but he will not be buying you the Ainsley Paisley Duvet Cover Sham from Pottery Barn that’s on your registry (the Ombre Linen Duvet Cover & Sham is a far better choice).
19. John Denver
Did you know that the city of Denver isn’t named for singer John Denver, but actually for Kansas Territorial Governor James W. Denver? Someday the locals are going to have to change the name to honor the man who gave Colorado its official state song, “Rocky Mountain High.” When this happens, they’ll probably name the city for John Denver, but using his real last name—Deutschendorf.
20. Banquet Beer
Coors is the banquet beer, but when was the last time you were invited to a banquet? Imagine what a pain it is to organize a banquet every time you come in from mowing the lawn on a hot day and want to crack a light beer. No thanks, Denver.
21. Pressure of Voting in a Swing State
If you live in Hawaii or Mississippi you can pretty much ignore national elections because your vote will not be deciding anything. If you live in Colorado your vote might actually impact who the next president will be. Do you really want to watch all those debates and read up on the issues? Sounds time consuming.
22. Denver Omelets Are Gross
Are you sure you want to live in a city that’s name is included in the worst item on Denny’s menu? Sure, Denver has lots of great breakfast spots, and is famous for its breakfast burritos, and you can even have a breakfast burrito delivered to your home. But still, Denver omelets are yuck.
23. There’s No More Gold In Them Thar Hills
Do you dream of being an old time prospector living in a shack high in the mountains, finding fortune panning for gold? That ship has long since sailed. Do you have a computer science degree? That’s probably a lot more lucrative right now in Denver.
24. Baking Recipes Foiled
If you’ve finally mastered your grandmother’s apple pie recipe you’d best be prepared to start from scratch. Due to the altitude, baking measurements don’t quire work in Denver. You’ll have to fiddle with the ratios until you get it right, or else you’ll be forced to buy your baked goods from the likes of Humble Pie Store, The Denver Bread Company, Mermaids Bakery, and more.
25. Boycott Denver
Nobody should move to Denver until they bring back the old Denver Nuggets jerseys. Seriously, people need to start a boycott.
Still Want to Move to Denver?
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