With the polar ice caps melting it won’t be long before Santa Claus is forced to abandon the North Pole and relocate his home and workshop. But where in America would this jolly old elf be most at home? Estately ranked each state from 1-50 using the seven Santa-specific criteria below to determine which U.S. states would be the best places for Santa Claus to buy a home for sale.
Cookie stores per capita(source: Yellow Pages)
Suitable habitat for reindeer—states with existing caribou population, previous caribou population, coldest average temperatures, percentage of land that’s forest and/or tundra habitat (sources: Defenders of Wildlife, NOAA National Climatic Data Center, and National Geographic)
Strong manufacturing sector—states with most manufacturing jobs (source: Bureau of Economic Analysis)
Eggnog enthusiasm—expressed Facebook interest in eggnog and Google searches for eggnog (source: Facebook and Google Trends)
Proximity to family—residents with last name “Kringle” (source: White Pages)
Expressed interest in Santa Claus on Facebook(source: Facebook)
Milk production per capita(source: USDA)
Profiles of Top Ten States for Santa
1. WASHINGTON STATE
When it comes to eggnog consumption (and production), there’s no state that’s more enthused for this alcoholic holiday beverage than The Evergreen State. Santa should have no trouble creating holiday cheer by imbibing with others in this classic cocktail. Also, his reindeer can mingle with the small numbers of caribou (very similar species) who wander down from Canada to roam a small section of eastern Washington.
With a strong manufacturing sector and immense milk production Wisconsin would be a great spot for Santa to set up his workshop. Plus, the state has second most Kringles per capita making it much easier to catch up with family.
Reindeer habitat, plenty of milk, and brutally cold winters ensure Santa would feel right at home in Vermont.
When the Kringle family hosts its next family reunion it might just choose Iowa as the destination. The state is home to the fourth most Kringles per capita. Santa might choose Iowa for that alone, or also because it has an experienced manufacturing workforce and plenty of milk production.
Both Santa Claus and Philadelphia Eagles are sick and tired of people talking about that time 46 years ago when Santa was pelted with snowball during halftime. They’re both over it and ready to move forward, and Santa Claus would be wise to consider The Keystone State for its affordable real estate, eggnog enthusiasm, and the high percentage of residents interested in Santa Claus.
6. NEW HAMPSHIRE
While New Hampshire’s hunters are more likely to shoot Santa’s reindeer than hunters in neighboring Vermont, The Granite State is still prime real estate for Santa Claus. There’s enough eggnog produced to fill every stocking in the state, and the locals have a genuine interest in the fat man in the red suit.
What Kansas lacks in reindeer habitat it more than makes up for in cookie stores. Santa’s favorite snack is abundant in Kansas, which will come in handy the next time Mrs. Claus tries to put old Santa on a diet. Also, Kansas’ central location makes a great starting spot for delivering presents to Americans.
Maine is the fifth for santa enthusiasm, and it’s already attempted to reintroduce caribou populations before. Plus the locals are happy to drink eggnog, even out of season.
Affordable real estate, prime reindeer habitat, and substantial milk production make Michigan a fine option for Father Christmas.
Cookies are abundant in Ohio, and with its high obesity rates Santa won’t be insecure when his belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly.
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Yelp is a popular website featuring crowd-sourced reviews of local businesses, but it hasn’t extended itself to real estate. This got us at Estately thinking—what would be like if some of our nation’s most prominent politicians left Yelp reviews about America’s most famous house—the White House. Below we’ve created a fake real estate listing for the White House and imagined what those reviews might be like.
A London baker has teamed up with VeryFirstTo to create the world’s most expensive gingerbread house. This “delectable dwelling” is made with organic ginger and 150 pearls, but you’d be an idiot to buy it when you can buy these seven superior homes at prices beneath the gingerbread house’s $78,000 price tag.
If the gingerbread house’s walls could talk they’d have little to tell anyone except what it’s like to be baked at 325 degrees and then manhandled by Cordon Bleu-trained confectionary pro. On the other hand, this Colorado home was once an Odd Fellows Lodge, so it’s probably seen some strange initiation ceremonies and the drunken antics of eccentric miners.
While this Ohio home lacks the gingerbread house’s 5 carat unheated Mozambique Ruby set within icing it does have roof capable of repelling rain. Also, it’s unlikely anyone will break corners off it to munch on.
Most recently used as a church, this Colorado home is conveniently located across the street from the Country Corner Cafe. If hunger strikes the owner of the gingerbread house the only option is to eat the walls.
This 1,368-square-foot home is far larger than the 1-square-foot gingerbread house, and it also has a working bathroom and what appears to be an outhouse in the back. Residents of the gingerbread house face a real conundrum when nature calls.
One house is made with Ceylon cinnamon and Suma raw cane sugar, and one house comes with a barn. This isn’t even close, especially when you consider the price of the gingerbread house doesn’t even include shipping.
This Vermont cabin is a short drive to Spruce Lake and is rumored to have once been the home of the aunt of singer and actor Rudy Vallee. Perhaps you remember his role as Batman nemesis Lord Marmaduke Ffogg in the 1960s show? Or maybe his 1943 song “As Time Goes By?” That gingerbread house hasn’t even appeared in an unpopular web series.
There’s no arguing that the gingerbread house isn’t delicious, but this Arizona home has three giant cactuses, which is awesome. It also has three bedrooms and easy access to I-10 and The Ritz-Carlton Dove Mountain. That’s just a better real estate investment than purchasing a home that will turn stale and grow mold within a month.
Thanksgiving is the time of year when Americans gather together to give thanks, and also to argue politics, yell at the TV, listen to that drunk uncle slander whole ethnic groups, and fight their neighbors in Wal-Mart parking lots during Black Friday sales. Thanksgiving can be a miserable day, which made Estatelywonder if there were states where conditions on the ground increased the likelihood of a terrible Thanksgiving. We crunched the numbers using the six criteria below to determine if the state you live in is prime habitat for a downer of a Thanksgiving.
1. Likelihood of a family food poisoning episode
-Most cases of salmonella per capita derived from poultry in the past five years (CDC)
2. Likelihood of relatives getting drunk and making a scene
-Prevalence of binge drinking among adults per capita (CDC)
6. Likelihood of guests/cooks abandoning meal to shop a Black Friday sale
-Percentage of Facebook users expressing interest in Black Friday sales—(Facebook user data)
Profiles of the ten most miserable states to spend Thanksgiving
Ohio won the title of The Most Miserable State to Spend Thanksgiving by an overwhelming margin. If any state will feature a simultaneous argument about Benghazi and the ethics of eating meat it will be over a plate of sugar-free pumpkin pie at an Ohio dining room table. Family divisions will only get more heated when the severely inebriated and the guests with food poisoning fight over who gets to use the bathroom first.
Political differences + binge drinking combine to make an Iowa family Thanksgiving feel just like if FOX News and MSNBC accidentally booked their holiday parties for the same venues.
Only after agreeing to cook a Tofurkey alongside the actual Turkey, and once arguments over Obama’s real country of birth have died down, and after everyone has another drink, only then can Pennsylvanians give thanks that both the Steelers and Eagles have a legitimate chance to meet in the SuperBowl.
There are only a few things you can count on during an Arizona Thanksgiving—the Arizona Cardinals losing and someone struggling to convince the others that meat-free side dishes and sugar-free desserts taste delicious.
After a long year of farming cranberries it’s not surprising Wisconsin likes to kick its feet up a bit on Thanksgiving. Plus, the Packers traditionally don’t play well on Thanksgiving, so it’s not surprising Packers fans choose to binge drink and black out before halftime/dinner.
It’s a Nebraska tradition to loosen one’s belt well before dinner to make room for a flask of bourbon just in case you know who goes and drinks all the wine.
Maybe everyone wouldn’t have food poisoning if the turkey had been cooked all the way through, but no, the cooks were too busy basting their livers in white wine and Baileys…
Grandpa’s recent health troubles mean there will be no gravy this year, and absolutely no mention of Hilary Clinton running for president in 2016. Anyone who breaks this rule is not allowed to touch the box wine and will be added to Uncle Grover’s email joke list.
Located on the border of sweet potato pie country and pumpkin pie land, the good people of Virginia will spend a good portion of their dinners debating the merits of Obamacare for treating everybody’s diabetes.
There are cheaper ways to get out of doing dishes on Thanksgiving, but Missourians rushing off to catch the Black Friday sales is somehow the most socially acceptable one.
Need to change where you live? Check out homes for sale across the country on Estately.com
There are 50 states in this great land, but only one can be the best. So why is Ohio a better place to live and buy a home than any other state? Here are a list of reasons why Ohio is superior to the other 49 states in the country…
MORE LITERATE THAN ALABAMA
Roughly 15% of Alabama residents lack basic prose literacy skills, far more than Ohio’s 9%.
BEARS KILL MORE PEOPLE IN ALASKA
Three people in Ohio have been killed by bears, but none of them were killed while recreating amidst the splendor of nature. A total of 17 people have been killed by bears in Alaska, which is absolutely terrifying.
FEWER VENOMOUS SPIDERS & MORE WATER THAN ARIZONA
Arizona is famed for its sunshine, but did you know the state has more than twice as many species of venomous spiders as Ohio? Those spiders will still be alive even after Phoenix runs out of water, which some experts estimate could happen in six years. Ohio should prepare itself for a migratory horde of Arizonans in bolo ties that will one day move back to the Midwest.
OHIO PRODUCES MORE WINE THAN ARKANSAS
Ohio—theNapa Valley of the Midwest (trademark pending)—produces 14 times more wine than Arkansas, a state that’s content with the funny feeling it gets from drinking bacteria-rich pond water.
OHIO’S GOT BETTER JESSES THAN CALIFORNIA
Ohio was the home of four-time Olympic gold medalist and track legend Jesse Owens. California is the fictional home of the mulleted Uncle Jesse from Full House (no disrespect intended to actor John Stamos). Which one humiliated Hitler at the 1936 Olympics in Berlin? Which one humiliated thousands of Americans when they tried to emulate his hairstyle? It’s not contest.
FEWER SUPER HIGH TOURISTS THAN COLORADO
Regardless of your views on marijuana everyone can agree that since Colorado legalized it there are far too many idiot tourists riding around stoned on rented Segways. Absolutely nobody should live in Denver.
NOBODY WANTS TO LIVE IN CONNECTICUT
People do not like living in Connecticut. When asked, 40% of Connecticut residents they would like to move to a different state, the second highest percentage in the country. Ohio was 21st, with 35% of residents wishing they could live elsewhere.
IT’S JUST BETTER THAN DELAWARE
Delaware is basically the underwear wedgie between the butt cheeks that are Maryland and New Jersey. Say what you will about Ohio’s neighbors, but there are worse places to be than the meat in an Indiana-Pennsylvania sandwich.
NO SHARKS TO BITE YOU LIKE IN FLORIDA
Ohio has 312 miles of shoreline and zero shark attacks. Florida had 110 shark attacks alone between 2006 and 2010. Also, Florida has alligators, which bite, and it’s illegal to try and ride on the backs of manatees and pretend you’re in some kind of underwater rodeo. What’s the point of even living in Florida?
OHIO HAS MORE JOBS THAN GEORGIA
Ohio’s unemployment rate is 5.6%, which is 20th in the country. Georgia’s unemployment rate is 7.9%, which is the worst in America. At a minimum, the line is shorter at Ohio’s unemployment offices.
FEWER ONLINE CREEPS THAN HAWAII
Hawaii performs more Google searches the leaked photographs of Jennifer Lawrence nude than any other state. Ohio isn’t even in the top fifteen. Perhaps this will inspire her to vacation in Cleveland.
IDAHO IS HELL ON EARTH
The most scenic part of Idaho is named Hell’s Canyon. Do you really want to spend time in a state that’s most beautiful place is named after the fiery home of the Prince of Darkness?
MORE INNOVATIVE POLICE PURSUIT THAN ILLINOIS
Akron, Ohio was the first city to use police cars. Police in Chicago, Illinois have a fleet of Segways. Seriously, Segways.
NOBODY WANTS TO SET FOOT IN INDIANA
Indiana has the most Interstate Highway per square mile of any U.S. state. Do you know what that means? People want to spend as little time as possible in Indiana. Even before European settlement the entire state was so densely covered in trees that squirrels could travel from Illinois to Ohio without ever having to set foot in Indiana.
BETTER AT CORNHOLE THAN IOWA
With over 92,000 corn farms Iowa is the leading producer of corn in the United States. However, when it comes to the game of cornhole Iowa can’t compete with Ohio. The Hawkeye State doesn’t have a single competitor in the top 100 ranked cornhole players. Ohio has 22, including seven of the top ten.
BETTER HALL OF FAMES THAN KANSAS
Ohio is home to the Pro Football Hall of Fame and the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, two of the most popular tourist destinations in America. Kansas is home to the Agricultural Hall of Fame, a must see only for families whose cars break down near the I-70 and Kansas Route 7 interchange in Bonner Springs, Kansas.
LOCAL SENATORS DON’T RESEMBLE TURTLES
Neither of Ohio’s Senators look like a turtle, something that can’t be said about Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell.
LESS ENDANGERED BY RISING SEA LEVELS THAN LOUISIANA
Rising sea levels mean much of Louisiana will eventually be underwater, while Ohio’s shoreline will remain largely unchanged. Although, if Lake Erie every suddenly dries up it will reveal a land bridge to Canada and who knows what horrors that could unleash?
PRODUCES MORE NFL PLAYERS THAN MAINE
In 2013, there were 74 NFL players originally from Ohio and just one from Maine. Just one—Will Montgomery, offensive lineman for the Denver Broncos.
LESS SYPHILITIC THAN MARYLAND
When Baltimore off with the Cleveland Browns, but it wound up catching syphilis in the process. The state of Maryland has the fourth highest percentage of syphilis cases in the country—twice as high as Ohio’s.
BETTER SETTING FOR BASEBALL MOVIES THAN MASSACHUSETTS
Baseball movies set in Ohio are far superior to those in Massachusetts. For instance, Major League features Charlie Sheen at his best as Cleveland Indians pitcher. Fever Pitch stars Jimmy Fallon at his worst as a die-hard Red Sox fan in love with Drew Barrymore. Their careers have gone in different directions since these films.
OHIO LIKES ED HARDY LESS THAN MICHIGAN DOES
According to Facebook user data there are 25% more people in Michigan interested in the Ed Hardy clothing line than there are in Ohio.
NOT AS STD-RIDDEN AS MISSISSIPPI
Ohio doesn’t have a stellar record when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases, but it’s a hell of a lot better off than VD-ridden Mississippi. The Hospitality State plays host to a variety of genital menaces, including the highest rate of chlamydia and gonorrhea infections. Ohio is ranked 20th for chlamydia and eighth for gonorrhea.
LESS METH THAN MISSOURI!
Statistics on meth labs break badly for the Show Me State, with Missouri having nearly three times more meth lab incidents than Ohio does.
MORE PIZZA DELIVERY THAN MONTANA
Having a pizza delivered to your door is part of what makes America great, so the fact that Ohio has more nine times more pizza delivery options per capita than Montana makes it the superior state.
BETTER SKIING THAN NEBRASKA
When it comes to skiing and snowboarding, nobody is going to confuse Ohio with Colorado, but the Buckeye State is home to five ski resorts, which is five more than Nebraska has.
NOT DEHYDRATED LIKE NEVADA
The primary problem with building cities in deserts is there’s little water in deserts. There’s lots of sunshine, and that’s lovely, but people still demand water to drink and to sprinkle on their golf courses so they stay green. Nevada is experiencing extreme drought and global climate change isn’t promising any reprieve. Meanwhile, Ohio is just chilling by a giant freshwater lake, relaxing by the pool, taking extra long showers.
LIVE LONGER THAN PEOPLE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
There are no seat belt laws in New Hampshire, nor are there requirements for motorcyclists to wear a helmet. Residents are legally allowed to be as reckless and stupid as they want to be. Perhaps that’s one reason why people in Ohio live longer—81 years instead of 80 years.
LESS POLLUTED THAN NEW JERSEY
New Jersey has four times more Superfund Sites as Ohio because New Jersey is #1 for toxic waste.
YOUNG ADULTS MORE LEARNED THAN NEW MEXICO
College diplomas are more abundant among young adults in the Buckeye State than they are in New Mexico. 36.4 percent of Ohio residents aged 25-34 have a college degree, while it’s just 28.5 percent for New Mexico residents.
SHORTER COMMUTE THAN NEW YORK STATE
On average, Ohio residents spend 23 minutes a day traveling to work, a full 8 minutes less than those in New York. Over the course of the year, this saves Ohio residents a full 67 hours, which is basically like getting another two weeks of vacation per year.
MORE STAMINA THAN NORTH CAROLINA
North Carolina holds the Guinness World Record for the longest marathon playing lacrosse (13 hours 14 minutes). That’s only a quarter as long as Ohio’s record for the longest kickball game (51 hours ).
NORTH DAKOTA IS DEVOID OF WOMEN
If you like ladies you’ll find a lot more of them in Ohio (51.1% of the population) than you will in barren North Dakota (48.9%).
NOT DRIVING AROUND DRUNK LIKE OKLAHOMANS
Oklahoma has three times more DUI arrests per capita than Ohio does because Oklahoma is kind of a drunk mess.
BETTER BEER THAN OREGON
Ohio is part of the craft beer revival, and while it hasn’t gained the reputation that Oregon’s brewers have it also hasn’t made the same tragic brewing mistakes as their contemporaries out west. Oregon’s Rogue Brewing makes some truly incredible beers, but it also makes beers using the yeast found in a man’s beard, and also a Chocolate, Banana & Peanut Butter Ale. That goes against all that’s right and pure in the world.
NO TOWNS PERPETUALLY ON FIRE LIKE IN PENNSYLVANIA
People outside Ohio make a big thing about how the Cuyahoga River caught fire a bunch of times, but it hasn’t burst into flames since 1969. That’s a lot better than Pennsylvania, which has had a giant underground coal mine fire spewing toxic fumes from cracks in the earth perpetually since 1962.
MEN ARE MORE MATURE THAN IN RHODE ISLAND
Estately performed a study of men aged 25-65 to determine where the most immature men live. Men in each state were ranked based on their lack of employment and also their enthusiasm for video games, fantasy football, beer pong, Family Guy, and porn. Rhode Island had the highest percentage of immature men, while Ohio had the fifth most (article here).
FEWER MURDERS THAN SOUTH CAROLINA
Violent crime is down considerably in the U.S., but there are still nearly twice as many murders per capita in South Carolina than in Ohio.
MORE PRESIDENTS THAN SOUTH DAKOTA
There are seven presidents from Ohio. South Dakota has produced zero, but they carved four presidents into a giant hunk of rock and everybody likes to make a big deal about it. You know who’s a big deal? President James A. Garfield is a big deal!
LESS VOTER APATHY THAN TENNESSEE
When it comes to lazy, apathetic voters Tennessee really takes the prize. The state managed to get just 29.1% of its registered voters to the polls in 2014. About 36.2 of Ohioans filled out their ballots.
TEXAS HAS WAY MORE DOUCHEBAGS THAN OHIO
They say everything is bigger in Texas and that’s particularly true when it comes to the number of douchebags. Out of the Top Ten U.S. Cities for Douchebags, only one was in Ohio (Toldeo-9th), while Texas was home to four of the top five (Laredo—1st, El Paso—2nd, San Antonio—3rd, Corpus Christi—5th). These stats aren’t just made up. There’s science behind it (article here)
OHIO’S LAKE ERIE MAKES UTAH’S GREAT SALT LAKE SEEM LIKE THE ARAL SEA
Utah’s Great Salt Lake is filled with salt water, which is great if you like to fish for nothing but microscopic brine shrimp. Ohio rests beside Lake Erie, a giant freshwater lake that you can swim in and fish and generally recreate to the fullest.
FAR FEWER HIPPIES THAN VERMONT
The smell of patchouli and body odor is ripe in Vermont, which earned it the distinction of The #1 U.S. State for Hippies. Even with Yellow Springs, Ohio could only muster 26th on the list. The high number of local online stores selling hemp, patchouli, and tie-dye products wasn’t enough to break out of the bottom half.
OHIO HAS MORE HUEVOS THAN VIRGINIA
The United States produces 95.2 billion eggs each year, no thanks Virginia which produces just 0.73% of American eggs. Ohio, on the other hand, produces more than any state but Iowa, a total of 8.39% of all American eggs.
MORE PREPARED FOR A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE THAN WASHINGTON
In the event of a zombie apocalypse the state of Ohio is likely to fend off the undead, while residents of Washington state will have their brains eaten. In a study of zombie apocalypse preparedness Ohio was found to be more likely to survive thanks to its residents’ strong knowledge of zombie movies, paintball ability, and martial arts enthusiasm.
WEST VIRGINIA HAS WORSE BREATH
25% of Ohio residents smoke cigarettes, which is more than most states, but it’s less than the 29.9% of West Virginian who are still trying to look cool by lighting it.
BETTER BIGFOOT HABITAT THAN WISCONSIN
If Bigfoot were real it would find prime habitat in Ohio, but not so much in Wisconsin. An Estately study found Ohio to be the fourth best state for Bigfoot to live thanks to a high level of Bigfoot interest amongst local residents.
MORE STABLE MARRIAGES THAN WYOMING
Ohio has the 25th highest divorce rate in America, but couples don’t split up as much as those in Wyoming—3rd highest. Perhaps it’s the shared enthusiasm for Bigfoot or that couples paintball team they play on.
Now that you’ve been convinced Ohio is the best state in America, check out homes for sale across the Buckeye State on Estately—the best real estate search site in Ohio (and America).
There are 50 states in this great land, but only one can be the best. So why is Oregon a better place to live and buy a home than other state? Here are 50 reasons why Oregon is the best state in America…
LESS CHLAMYDIA THAN ALABAMA
Sure, Oregon’s college football teams lack the state of Alabama’s 15 national championships, but all those trophies come at terrible a price. Alabama is positively riddled with venereal disease, including nearly double the chlamydia cases as Oregon.
FEWER BEAR ATTACKS THAN ALASKA
There have been 19 fatal bear attacks in Alaska, but not one in Oregon (knock on wood). Wait, does knocking on wood attract bears?
DEEPER CANYON THAN ARIZONA’s GRAND CANYON
Arizona’s Grand Canyon is incredible, but it’s not nearly as deep as Hell’s Canyon on the Oregon/Idaho border. Hell’s Canyon is also a lot less crowded, and your phone won’t melt in your parked car when you step out to take a photo of it.
MORE VACCINATED THAN ARKANSAS
Oregon doesn’t have the best reputation when it comes to vaccinating its kids, but it’s far better than Arkansas. In 2013, 66.6% of Oregon kids (ages 19-35 months) had received their combined vaccine series, which is far more than the 57.1% in Arkansas.
MORE JOBS THAN CALIFORNIA
Oregon’s unemployment rate of 7.1% is eighth worst in the country, but still two spots ahead of California’s 7.3%. So at least there’s a shorter line at Oregon’s unemployment office.
BETTER BEER THAN COLORADO
Both Colorado and Oregon are famed for their craft breweries, but Colorado’s New Belgium Brewery made the tragic mistake of creating a Coconut Curry Hefeweizen, which goes against everything that’s good and decent in this world.
PRODUCES MORE WINE THAN CONNECTICUT
Oregon produced nearly 8 million gallons of wine last year—fifth most in the country. Connecticut’s vintners made a measly 124,000 gallons. That doesn’t even cover what Connecticut drinks, which is considerable.
Delaware is basically the underwear wedgie between the butt cheeks that are Maryland and New Jersey.
FEWER SHARK ATTACKS THAN FLORIDA
Both states have beaches, but there have been 27.5 times more shark attacks on Florida’s beaches than on Oregon’s (2006-2010).
RESPECTS ITS ELDERS MORE THAN GEORGIA
Sure, all those hip youngsters hanging out Portland’s cafes make for youthful window dressing, but Oregon still respects its elders, who make up 12.8% of the population. Not so in Georgia, which is only 9.6% seniors. Does Georgia ship them off somewhere? Do they just dump them on the beach in Florida and then hustle back across the border? That’s not nice.
IT’S CHEAPER THAN HAWAII
The cost of living in Honolulu is considerably higher than in Portland (food +20%, housing +41%, clothes +15%).
MORE THAN JUST WHERE POTATOES COME FROM
Oregon has a diverse agricultural economy, and is known for more than just potatoes. Also, you can’t surf in Idaho.
COOLER CATS THAN ILLINOIS
Illinois holds the record for the world’s smallest cat—just 2.75 inches tall. While that’s understandably adorable, Oregon is home to the ringtail cat, a wild, nocturnal creature shaped like a marten that dines on fruit and insects. It’s pretty awesome.
IT’S GREENER THAN INDIANA
Everyone would agree crunchy Oregon is about as green as it comes (at least in the cities). The opposite is true for Indiana, which comes in last on NMI’s green rankings, showing low numbers for those who’ve purchased carbon offsets, organic foods, renewable power, and hybrid vehicles, as well as those who compost, reuse grocery bags, and donate to environmental groups.
OREGON DIDN’T THWART LEWIS & CLARK LIKE IOWA
When Lewis and Clark’s Corps of Discovery Expedition arrived in Oregon and saw the Pacific Ocean they reflected on their amazing journey, and probably thought about the one member of their party who died on their journey… in Iowa.
LESS HOMOPHOBIC THAN KANSAS
While it took a court order to do it, same-sex marriage was legalized in Oregon in 2014. Not so in Kansas, which went to the trouble of passing a state law and a constitutional amendment banning it. And then it went even further by trying to ensure businesses could continue to discriminate against same-sex couples.
WAY LESS SMOKEY THAN KENTUCKY
Compared to Oregon, Kentucky is dank ashtray of a state full of people with wretched breath. In Kentucky, a whopping 29.0% of people smoke, while in Oregon it’s just 19.7%. Also, unlike Kentucky, neither of Oregon’s senators look like a turtle, not that there’s anything wrong with turtles.
LESS ENDANGERED BY RISING SEA LEVELS THAN LOUISIANA
Rising sea levels mean much of Louisiana will eventually be underwater, while Oregon’s shoreline will remain largely unchanged.
ITS PORTLAND IS MORE POPULAR THAN MAINE’S
Most of the time when an American is talking about Portland they’re talking about the city in Oregon, not the one in Maine, even though the Oregon one is named after the Maine one.
SUPERIOR SHELLFISH TO MARYLAND
While very tasty, Maryland’s famed blue crabs are smaller and not nearly as tasty as the Dungeness crabs found in Oregon.
BIGGER, BETTER MOUNTAINS THAN MASSACHUSETTS
If Oregonians want to see the Matterhorn they can just look out their window at 11,249-foot Mt. Hood. Massachusetts residents have to get on an airplane to the Alps because 3,489-foot Mount Greylock just isn’t cutting it.
BETTER COLLEGE FOOTBALL THAN MICHIGAN
Once upon a time the Michigan Wolverines were on top of college football, but recent years have seen a significant decline. On the other hand, the Oregon Ducks were once a total joke and now they’re elite. What happened?
MISSISSIPPI: THE LAND THAT BEER FORGOT
Oregon is better than Mississippi in thousands of ways, but let’s focus on beer. Even after Mississippi doubled its breweries in the past year from three to six, it still can’t match Oregon’s 208 breweries. That’s nearly 35 times more breweries. There’s a reason people call Mississippi “the land that beer forgot.”
LESS METH THAN MISSOURI
Statistics on meth labs break badly for the Show Me State, with Missouri having over 200 times more meth lab incidents than Oregon does.
NOT A SUSHI DESERT LIKE MONTANA
There are 36 restaurants selling sushi in Montana, about one for every 4,087 square miles. In Oregon there are 409 restaurants selling sushi, about one for every 240 square miles. That’s only the tip of culinary iceberg.
HIGHER MINIMUM WAGE THAN NEBRASKA
Oregon’s minimum wage is $9.10 per hour, while Nebraska’s is a paltry $7.25. So for those working full time fast food jobs there’s an extra $3,848 per year waiting for you in the Beaver State.
MORE EDUCATED THAN NEVADA
Over 36% of Oregon adults 25 and older have college degrees, about 8% more than residents of Nevada.
OREGON’S LUMBERJACKS ARE MORE SAUVE THAN NEW HAMPSHIRE’S
People have made a living in the woods for centuries in both New Hampshire and Oregon, but out West those lumberjacks are just a lot more dashing, and wear plaid much more naturally.
NO GUY FIERI RESTAURANTS, UNLIKE NEW JERSEY
There are no Guy Fiery restaurants in Oregon, but sadly the same cannot be said for New Jersey.
PRODUCES MORE NFL PLAYERS THAN NEW MEXICO
There are more than four times more current and former NFL players born in Oregon (160) than New Mexico (36).
EVERYBODY’S LEAVING NEW YORK FOR OREGON
In 2013, Oregon had the highest percentage of people moving to it from other states. New York state had the third highest percentage moving out. Looks like all those New York Times articles about Portland being the next Brooklyn really had an impact.
MORE STAMINA THAN NORTH CAROLINA
North Carolina holds the Guinness World Record for the longest marathon playing lacrosse (13 hours 14 minutes). That’s barely half as long as Oregon’s record for the longest wiffleball game (25 hours 39 minutes).
NORTH DAKOTA IS DEVOID OF WOMEN
If you like ladies you’ll find a lot more of them in Oregon (50.5% of the population) than in sparsely populated North Dakota (48.9%).
NOT AS HUSKY AS OHIO
While the majority of American obesity is clustered in the South, Ohio gets lumped in with the lard thanks to an obesity rate of 30.9%. Oregon beats that and the national average (27.1%) with a low obesity rate of 24.9%. Well, low for America.
FEWER NATURAL DISASTERS THAN OKLAHOMA
Some say Oklahoma is itself a disaster, while most would just say it’s prone to natural disasters. In addition to an average of 55 tornadoes per year, the state endures severe winter storms, wildfires, floods, and more. Oregon resides in earthquake country and it’s in the shadows of volcanoes, but it still feels safer than Oklahoma.
NO TOWNS PERPETUALLY ON FIRE LIKE IN PENNSYLVANIA
Oregon is home to dozens of ghost towns, but none were the result of locals fleeing from a giant underground fire spewing toxic fumes from cracks in the earth. Centralia, Pennsylvania has been on top of an underground coal mine fire since 1962.
MEN ARE MORE MATURE THAN IN RHODE ISLAND
Estately performed a study of men ages 25-65 to determine where the most immature men live. Men in each state were ranked based on their lack of employment and their enthusiasm for video games, fantasy football, beer pong, Family Guy, and porn. Rhode Island had the highest percentage of immature men, while Oregon had the 7th lowest (article here).
TWICE AS MANY HATE GROUPS IN SOUTH CAROLINA
According to the Southern Poverty Law Center there are nine hate groups in Oregon, less than half as many as South Carolina’s 20.
SCULPTURES MORE LOCALLY REPRESENTATIVE THAN SOUTH DAKOTA
People come from far and wide to visit Mount Rushmore in South Dakota. The catch is that not one of those former presidents are even from South Dakota. Oregon on the other hand has a pretty cool statue of a possum in front of Possum Auto Body in Albany, and possums actually live in Oregon. It’s just one of hundreds of great roadside attractions in Oregon (here’s Roadside America’s list).
LESS VOTER APATHY THAN TENNESSEE
When it comes to lazy, apathetic voters Tennessee really takes the prize. The state managed to get just 29.1% of its registered voters to the polls in 2014. About 48.6% of Oregonians filled out their ballots.
LESS RAIN THAN TEXAS (SOMETIMES)
Western Oregon has a reputation for constant rain, but it can’t match Texas, which experienced 43 inches of rain in a 24 hours period back in 1979. Portland, Oregon averages about 39 inches per year.
MORE RUGGED PIONEERS THAN IN UTAH
Mormon pioneers traveled west along the Mormon Trail, a 1,300 mile journey that ended in Utah. Settlers who took the Oregon trail traveled 2,200 miles, which is considerably further so they are considerably tougher.
VERMONT IS WAY MORE HIPPIE THAN OREGON
Vermont is basically just a crunchier, more hippie state than Oregon, but without any diversity. In Oregon you will actually meet some people not wearing Birkenstocks. Not many, but some.
OREGON GAVE BIRTH TO BETTER STATES THAN VIRGINIA
Virginia’s original borders included land that is now Kentucky and West Virginia, so those two states are Virginia’s spawn. The Oregon Territory originally included Washington state, Idaho, and parts of Montana and Wyoming. Oregon produced better offspring. It’s not even debatable.
WASHINGTON DOESN’T HAVE AN NBA TEAM
Sadly, Seattle and Portland’s I-5 rivalry only consists of soccer now because Washington state is no longer home to an NBA team. Rip City’s Trail Blazers remain in Portland, but the SuperSonics have become the Oklahoma City Thunder, which is ridiculous.
MORE FIT THAN WEST VIRGINIA
Perhaps West Virginia’s sofas are just more comfortable than those in Oregon. How else would you explain that 58.0% of Oregonians exercise frequently, while just 47.1% of West Virginians do?
FEWER D-BAGS THAN WISCONSIN
When the 100 largest U.S. cities were ranked from 1-100 based on high numbers of douchebags Portland came in 96th (very few). Meanwhile, Milwaukee, Wisconsin had the 8th most d-bags (full rankings here).
MORE STABLE MARRIAGES THAN WYOMING
Oregon has the 20th highest divorce rate in America, but couples don’t split up as much as those in Wyoming—3rd highest.
READY TO MOVE TO OREGON?
Click HERE to check out Oregon homes for sale on Estately
More than just the home of Mark Twain and the loudest stadium in the world, Missouri is the most American of U.S. states, but are you sure you want to live there? Here are 25 things you should know before moving to Missouri and buying a home.
More coastline than California
While not located on the Atlantic or Pacific Oceans, Missouri is home to plenty of lakes and rivers. In fact, Lake of the Ozarks actually has more than 1,150 miles of shoreline, which is 200 more miles than California has coastline. Plus, you’ll never have to see David Hasselhoff running in slow motion on any Missouri beach.
Turkeys outnumber people
In 2013, about 11.7 million turkeys were butchered in Missouri. That’s nearly two turkeys for every resident of the state. Are you sure you want to live in a place where you’re outnumbered by turkeys?
You’ll have to take your out-of-state relatives to Branson
The city of Branson is basically what you’d get if a televangelist and a ventriloquist ran off to the Ozarks together to start a family band and raise their illegitimate spawn in a souvenir shop on a strict diet of taffy and fountain drinks. Located near the Arkansas border, Branson is popular with tourists looking for some good, clean, family entertainment, and your out-of-state relatives will definitely make you take them there when they visit.
A land of beer
Thanks to waves of German immigrants, Missouri has a beer heritage that puts most other states to shame. The state drinks beer, makes beer, celebrates beer, and even derives 6.1% of its GDP from beer production. The state is home to Anheuser-Busch, which controls 47% of the U.S. beer market, and it’s also home to a growing craft brewing movement.
It’s the Midwest’s Napa Valley
Missouri was once the second leading wine producing state in America, but it all came to a halt when the fun police outlawed alcohol during prohibition. Now the state is in the midst of a wine revival with local producers like Chandler Hill Vineyards producing world class wines from local grapes like Chambourcin, Vignoles, and Norton.
St. Louis and Kansas City are NOT trying to escape
Looking at a map, it’s easy to think Missouri’s two largest cities of Kansas City and St. Louis are trying to shuffle across the border into neighboring Kansas and Illinois. This is simply not the case. Both are very content within the confines of Missouri.
Missouri swings both ways
If you live in Hawaii or Alabama you can pretty much ignore presidential election season because your vote won’t have an impact on the outcome. If you live in the electoral swing state of Missouri you actually might cast the deciding vote in the 2016 presidential election. Is it going to be President Joe Biden or President Bobby Jindal? The choice might just be yours.
World Series state of mind
In the last 11 years, a Missouri baseball team has appeared in the World Series five times, which is more than any other state. That team is usually the St. Louis Cardinals, but the Kansas City Royals went bonkers in the 2014 postseason and nearly won the World Series. Instead the San Francisco Giants won it, which broke the collective hearts of every U.S. state except California.
Still better than California
California only has one bear on its state flag, but Missouri has two bears. Missouri is the winner.
Twisters (not the game)
Most scientists agree that building a giant wall along the Oklahoma border would do little to prevent large tornadoes from tearing up swaths of Missouri, but shouldn’t they at least try?
Gateway Arch is awesome
Most structures showcased on postcards are actually disappointing in person. The Statue of Liberty is tiny up close, as is Mt. Rushmore. Authorities won’t even let you try to climb the Golden Gate Bridge and the Washington Monument is definitely compensating for something. However, the Great Arch in St. Louis is enormous and legitimately awesome, not just as a feat of engineering for its time, but also because it looks really cool.
Location is everything
Missouri is always on top of Arkansas, which is more than Louisiana can say.
In most states people are content to limit their toasting to bread. In Missouri—particularly in St. Louis’ Little Italy—they “toast” their ravioli, a process that’s scientifically proven to make ravioli 80% more delicious.
Underworlds to explore
Whether you’re a train robber on the run named Jesse James, or just someone who enjoys the company of bats, the hundreds of miles of caves in Missouri offer unlimited recreation and hideout potential.
You’ll have to dress your dog up
Even though many people think it’s morally repugnant, if you like to dress your dog up you will not be alone in Missouri. The state holds the Guinness World Record for most dogs in costumed attire at a single location (1,326).
The dancing squirrels of Defiance
If you’ve always wanted to own a bar and decorate it with squirrels you’ll have to pick a different state. The Defiance Roadhouse in Defiance, Missouri already features an unusual decor largely made up of taxidermied squirrels in a variety of poses (in a band, on a motorcycle, dancing with Barbie, etc).
It’s a barbecue paradise
If smoked meats hold a special place in your heart then the Show-Me State is your Shangri-la. Estately ranked the state the fifth most barbecue-crazed in the country, and it has the fourth most barbecue restaurants per capita of any state. Kansas City is the state’s barbecue epicenter, but you’ll find plenty all across Missouri.
Missouri Real Estate
The United States added Missouri’s lands to its real estate portfolio when it suckered the French with the Louisiana purchase of 1803. The Missouri share of the sale price was just $1.26 million, an amount that could almost buy you the lovely St. Louis home pictured above.
Most Simpson-esque Springfield
There are dozens of cities of named “Springfield” in America, but Missouri’s Springfield was deemed the most similar to the one on “The Simpsons” (article). This is a real bragging right.
Critters and varmint
Originally popular with French fur trappers, Missouri is home to all manner of furry critters. They got opossums, beavers and lots of bats and voles. There’s badger and skunk, some long-tailed weasels, all the usual squirrels (flying and ground), shrews, lemmings, and even armadillos. Basically, Missouri is virtual laboratory for any mad scientists dabbling in genetic engineering who’s hellbent on creating a diabolical super rodent.
Don’t get too attached to local sports teams
Missouri is currently home to two NFL teams (St. Louis Rams and Kansas City Chiefs), two MLB teams (St. Louis Cardinals and Kansas City Royals), one NHL team (St. Louis Blues), and one MLS team (Sporting Kansas City). However, Missouri pro teams abandon the state with incredible frequency. The state has already lost four NFL teams, two MLB teams, three NBA teams, and two NHL teams. The state could very likely be down to one NFL team if the St. Louis Rams head back to Los Angeles. Are your prepared for loss and heartbreak?
Rubbing up against Kentucky
Missouri’s borders total 1,056 miles, and bump up against 8 different states. Be warned though: one of those is Kentucky. The two only share about 50 miles of border so there’s minimal contact, but be careful if you’re in the Southeast portion of the state that you don’t make a wrong turn.
Breeding ground for Hollywood actors
In addition to rice and soybeans, Missouri produces a lot of handsome and talented actors—Brad Pitt, Steve McQueen, and Jon Hamm just to name a few. It’s too late to date those famous actors, but Missouri’s always producing more. Perhaps you can meet Footlong Frank, who currently performs with The Randy Dandies, St. Louis’ premiere comedy burlesque troupe. He might just be the next John Goodman (also from Missouri). Or, he might not. Don’t really know much about the guy.
Living in Missouri means Midwest living at its best, which is something your stuck up cousins in Oregon can’t say. Those poor bastards have to subscribe to Midwest Living just to get a a little taste of Midwest living at its best. While that publication offers fabulous fall recipes and easy no-carve pumpkin decorating ideas for even those outside of Missouri’s borders, it’s still not the same as truly living the Midwest lifestyle firsthand.
When choosing where to live, home buyers have to consider proximity to jobs, potential mates, family, and more. So what’s a potential home buyer to do when there are two states with equal potential? Estately would like to offer up another in their series of tie breakers—world records that have been set in each state. Perhaps your choice of residence can be swayed by the promise of an 8,500-gallon margarita (Nevada), or the chance of meeting the world’s shortest cat (California), or the opportunity to grow a really big cabbage (Alaska). Who knows? It’s a weird world we live in, so here’s how each state stacks up when it comes to being in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Sure, Denver has a strong economy, relatively affordable homes, and oodles of outdoor recreation, but you’d be making a tragic mistake if you decided to live there? Here are 25 reasons why moving to Denver and buying a home is a bad idea…
1. Marijuana Tourists
You know how tourists in your city block sidewalks, mess up traffic, and muck everything up? Now imagine if they were super high and riding around on rented Segways.
2. You’ll Have to Buy a Bike
Denver has more than 850 miles of paved and off-road trails to bike on. That means you can travel really far from your house before your calves cramp up and have to call someone for a ride.
3. Eric Decker Will Not Be Your Boyfriend
Eric Decker is not going to date you. He’s married. He plays for the New York Jets. He lives in New York now. YOU HAVE TO LET HIM GO!!!
4. Locals Will Make You Appear Weak & Flabby
Denver routinely appears on lists of the fittest U.S. cities and for good reason. Locals enjoy an active lifestyle, ample outdoor recreation opportunities, and a low obesity rate. Now imagine standing next to them dressed in a swimsuit. Do you really want to be compared to all these lean, attractive people? That’s too much pressure.
5. Great Beers = Beer Weight
Running marathons and climbing 14,000-foot mountains with your fellow Coloradans is hard enough, but imagine trying to train for that while being tempted by hundreds of incredible craft beers made in the area. That’s not fair, beer. That’s not fair at all.
6. Bacon & Beer Festival
Are you #^%&ing kidding? On top of everything else Denver also has a festival dedicated to bacon AND beer? How are people supposed to fit into anything besides muumuus and sweatpants in this town? Why isn’t everyone obese? Is there some kind of magic in that thin mountain air?
7. Constant Shortness of Breath
Have you ever had an asthma attack or been on an airplane that lost cabin pressure? Why would you want to simulate that experience every time you walk up a flight of stairs like people do in Denver’s oxygen-deprived altitude? Stick to sea level.
8. Rocky Mountain Oysters
There are few places so synonymous with eating of testicles as Denver, Colorado. Fried calves balls are served up at many local eateries, and even at Coors Field. This year-long festival of testicles is just standard eating for a city that’s gone gaga for gonads. These battered and fried crotch bits go by a variety of names—Rocky Mountain oysters, huevos de toro, little stickles, prairie oysters, cowboy caviar, Colorado tendergroins, swinging beef, bovine bulbs, and ranch plums.
9. Denver’s “300 Days of Sunshine” Is a Lie
Denver enjoys clear skies for the most part, and far more than other hip cities like New York, Seattle, and San Francisco. However, it does not have the 300 days of sunshine like most people brag about. According to Denver Westword, the city actually enjoys around 115 clear days, 130 partly cloudy days, and 120 cloudy days. That’s still a lot vitamin D to be had, but it makes you wonder what else Denver lies about?
When you were a kid, even on sunny days, your mom would tell you to “bring a jacket—just in case.” Same goes for Denver. The weather changes quickly. One minute it’s snowing and the next minute the sun is shining. Your mom will probably call you to make sure you’re dressing accordingly.
Bluecifer is a demonic blue horse that resides in a field outside the Denver airport. Some say the horse is cursed, while others say it’s plotting a stampede of neighboring Kansas. The most damning rumor is it may have given into the dark side, joined Galactic Empire, and has begun smoking cigarettes with a rough crowd. Be vigilant.
13. Spend Too Much on Ski/Snowboard Gear
It’s going to take every ounce of effort to avoid skiing or snowboarding in Colorado. There are ski resorts everywhere, which means you’ll probably end up buying a bunch of gear and lift tickets, which will cost a ton of money. Unlike everywhere else in America the runs here are super long so it’s a long way back to the lodge to grab a beer. You will get so thirsty while skiing down a couple thousand feet of continuous fresh powder.
14. Weird Anagrams
If you run “Denver, Colorado” through an anagram generator you can spell: Canoodled Rover, Deacon Overlord, Overloaded Corn, Caroled Rod Oven, Dance Over Drool, Caned Odor Lover, Narced Love Odor, and more. That’s weird.
15. Whoa! We’re Halfway There!
Denver is situated at 5,280 feet above sea level—exactly one mile. Even as high as that is, it’s still not even halfway to the height of Colorado’s highest point—Mt. Elbert at 14,400 feet. Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised that so many covered wagons heading west pulled over less than halfway to the Pacific to settle in Colorado. Some might argue they stayed for the breathtaking scenery or ample natural resources, but it might just have been that locals only believe in doing something halfway.
16. Broncos Bandwagon Is Full
A recent Harris Interactive poll found that the more Americans listed the Denver Broncos as their favorite team then any other. Estately’s study found it to still be the Cowboys, but plenty of Americans outside Colorado have definitely jumped on the Broncos bandwagon since Peyton Manning signed with the team. If you’re considering a move to Denver to pile on the bandwagon you should know you’re too late.
17. Too Much Mexican Food Variety
Back in a simpler time, if a person felt like Mexican food he just stuck a Hungry Man Mexican Style Fiesta dinner in the microwave and let it do a few laps until it was hot and ready. Nowadays, for Denver residents, there are far too many options for Mexican food. With over 500 Mexican restaurants, taco joints, and Tex-Mex eateries in Denver—more than 14% of all of Denver restaurants—the city is awash in tacos, burritos, tortas, and more. It’s probably overwhelming.
18. Peyton Manning Won’t Come to Your Wedding
Despite all those terrible pizza commercials, Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is a pretty cool guy. However, he will not attend your wedding if you invite him. He will respond, but he will not be buying you the Ainsley Paisley Duvet Cover Sham from Pottery Barn that’s on your registry (the Ombre Linen Duvet Cover & Sham is a far better choice).
19. John Denver
Did you know that the city of Denver isn’t named for singer John Denver, but actually for Kansas Territorial Governor James W. Denver? Someday the locals are going to have to change the name to honor the man who gave Colorado its official state song, “Rocky Mountain High.” When this happens, they’ll probably name the city for John Denver, but using his real last name—Deutschendorf.
20. Banquet Beer
Coors is the banquet beer, but when was the last time you were invited to a banquet? Imagine what a pain it is to organize a banquet every time you come in from mowing the lawn on a hot day and want to crack a light beer. No thanks, Denver.
21. Pressure of Voting in a Swing State
If you live in Hawaii or Mississippi you can pretty much ignore national elections because your vote will not be deciding anything. If you live in Colorado your vote might actually impact who the next president will be. Do you really want to watch all those debates and read up on the issues? Sounds time consuming.
22. Denver Omelets Are Gross
Are you sure you want to live in a city that’s name is included in the worst item on Denny’s menu? Sure, Denver has lots of great breakfast spots, and is famous for its breakfast burritos, and you can even have a breakfast burrito delivered to your home. But still, Denver omelets are yuck.
23. There’s No More Gold In Them Thar Hills
Do you dream of being an old time prospector living in a shack high in the mountains, finding fortune panning for gold? That ship has long since sailed. Do you have a computer science degree? That’s probably a lot more lucrative right now in Denver.
24. Baking Recipes Foiled
If you’ve finally mastered your grandmother’s apple pie recipe you’d best be prepared to start from scratch. Due to the altitude, baking measurements don’t quire work in Denver. You’ll have to fiddle with the ratios until you get it right, or else you’ll be forced to buy your baked goods from the likes of Humble Pie Store, The Denver Bread Company, Mermaids Bakery, and more.