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25 Reasons You Should NEVER Live In Denver

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Sure, Denver has a strong economy, relatively affordable homes, and oodles of outdoor recreation, but you’d be making a tragic mistake if you decided to live there? Here are 25 reasons why moving to Denver and buying a home is a bad idea…

1. Marijuana Tourists

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You know how tourists in your city block sidewalks, mess up traffic, and muck everything up? Now imagine if they were super high and riding around on rented Segways.

2. You’ll Have to Buy a Bike

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Denver has more than 850 miles of paved and off-road trails to bike on. That means you can travel really far from your house before your calves cramp up and have to call someone for a ride.

3. Eric Decker Will Not Be Your Boyfriend

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Eric Decker is not going to date you. He’s married. He plays for the New York Jets. He lives in New York now. YOU HAVE TO LET HIM GO!!!

4. Locals Will Make You Appear Weak & Flabby

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Denver routinely appears on lists of the fittest U.S. cities and for good reason. Locals enjoy an active lifestyle, ample outdoor recreation opportunities, and a low obesity rate. Now imagine standing next to them dressed in a swimsuit. Do you really want to be compared to all these lean, attractive people? That’s too much pressure.

5. Great Beers = Beer Weight

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Running marathons and climbing 14,000-foot mountains with your fellow Coloradans is hard enough, but imagine trying to train for that while being tempted by hundreds of incredible craft beers made in the area. That’s not fair, beer. That’s not fair at all.

6. Bacon & Beer Festival

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Are you #^%&ing kidding? On top of everything else Denver also has a festival dedicated to bacon AND beer? How are people supposed to fit into anything besides muumuus and sweatpants in this town? Why isn’t everyone obese? Is there some kind of magic in that thin mountain air?

7. Constant Shortness of Breath

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Have you ever had an asthma attack or been on an airplane that lost cabin pressure? Why would you want to simulate that experience every time you walk up a flight of stairs like people do in Denver’s oxygen-deprived altitude? Stick to sea level.

8. Rocky Mountain Oysters

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There are few places so synonymous with eating of testicles as Denver, Colorado. Fried calves balls are served up at many local eateries, and even at Coors Field. This year-long festival of testicles is just standard eating for a city that’s gone gaga for gonads. These battered and fried crotch bits go by a variety of names—Rocky Mountain oysters, huevos de toro, little stickles, prairie oysters, cowboy caviar, Colorado tendergroins, swinging beef, bovine bulbs, and ranch plums.

9. Denver’s “300 Days of Sunshine” Is a Lie

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Denver enjoys clear skies for the most part, and far more than other hip cities like New York, Seattle, and San Francisco. However, it does not have the 300 days of sunshine like most people brag about. According to Denver Westword, the city actually enjoys around 115 clear days, 130 partly cloudy days, and 120 cloudy days. That’s still a lot vitamin D to be had, but it makes you wonder what else Denver lies about?

10. Rubbers

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Did you know Denver-based Gates Rubber Company doesn’t even make condoms? That’s false advertising.

11. Weather Changes Quickly

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When you were a kid, even on sunny days, your mom would tell you to “bring a jacket—just in case.” Same goes for Denver. The weather changes quickly. One minute it’s snowing and the next minute the sun is shining. Your mom will probably call you to make sure you’re dressing accordingly.

12. Bluecifer

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Bluecifer is a demonic blue horse that resides in a field outside the Denver airport. Some say the horse is cursed, while others say it’s plotting a stampede of neighboring Kansas. The most damning rumor is it may have given into the dark side, joined Galactic Empire, and has begun smoking cigarettes with a rough crowd. Be vigilant.

13. Spend Too Much on Ski/Snowboard Gear

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It’s going to take every ounce of effort to avoid skiing or snowboarding in Colorado. There are ski resorts everywhere, which means you’ll probably end up buying a bunch of gear and lift tickets, which will cost a ton of money. Unlike everywhere else in America the runs here are super long so it’s a long way back to the lodge to grab a beer. You will get so thirsty while skiing down a couple thousand feet of continuous fresh powder.

14. Weird Anagrams

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If you run “Denver, Colorado” through an anagram generator you can spell: Canoodled Rover, Deacon Overlord, Overloaded Corn, Caroled Rod Oven, Dance Over Drool, Caned Odor Lover, Narced Love Odor, and more. That’s weird.

15. Whoa! We’re Halfway There!

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Denver is situated at 5,280 feet above sea level—exactly one mile. Even as high as that is, it’s still not even halfway to the height of Colorado’s highest point—Mt. Elbert at 14,400 feet. Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised that so many covered wagons heading west pulled over less than halfway to the Pacific to settle in Colorado. Some might argue they stayed for the breathtaking scenery or ample natural resources, but it might just have been that locals only believe in doing something halfway.

16. Broncos Bandwagon Is Full

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A recent Harris Interactive poll found that the more Americans listed the Denver Broncos as their favorite team then any other. Estately’s study found it to still be the Cowboys, but plenty of Americans outside Colorado have definitely jumped on the Broncos bandwagon since Peyton Manning signed with the team. If you’re considering a move to Denver to pile on the bandwagon you should know you’re too late.

17. Too Much Mexican Food Variety

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Back in a simpler time, if a person felt like Mexican food he just stuck a Hungry Man Mexican Style Fiesta dinner in the microwave and let it do a few laps until it was hot and ready. Nowadays, for Denver residents, there are far too many options for Mexican food. With over 500 Mexican restaurants, taco joints, and Tex-Mex eateries in Denver—more than 14% of all of Denver restaurants—the city is awash in tacos, burritos, tortas, and more. It’s probably overwhelming.

18. Peyton Manning Won’t Come to Your Wedding

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Despite all those terrible pizza commercials, Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is a pretty cool guy. However, he will not attend your wedding if you invite him. He will respond, but he will not be buying you the Ainsley Paisley Duvet Cover Sham from Pottery Barn that’s on your registry (the Ombre Linen Duvet Cover & Sham is a far better choice).

19. John Denver

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Did you know that the city of Denver isn’t named for singer John Denver, but actually for Kansas Territorial Governor James W. Denver? Someday the locals are going to have to change the name to honor the man who gave Colorado its official state song, “Rocky Mountain High.” When this happens, they’ll probably name the city for John Denver, but using his real last name—Deutschendorf.

20. Banquet Beer

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Coors is the banquet beer, but when was the last time you were invited to a banquet? Imagine what a pain it is to organize a banquet every time you come in from mowing the lawn on a hot day and want to crack a light beer. No thanks, Denver.

21. Pressure of Voting in a Swing State

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If you live in Hawaii or Mississippi you can pretty much ignore national elections because your vote will not be deciding anything. If you live in Colorado your vote might actually impact who the next president will be. Do you really want to watch all those debates and read up on the issues? Sounds time consuming.

22. Denver Omelets Are Gross

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Are you sure you want to live in a city that’s name is included in the worst item on Denny’s menu? Sure, Denver has lots of great breakfast spots, and is famous for its breakfast burritos, and you can even have a breakfast burrito delivered to your home. But still, Denver omelets are yuck.

23. There’s No More Gold In Them Thar Hills

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Do you dream of being an old time prospector living in a shack high in the mountains, finding fortune panning for gold? That ship has long since sailed. Do you have a computer science degree? That’s probably a lot more lucrative right now in Denver.

24. Baking Recipes Foiled

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If you’ve finally mastered your grandmother’s apple pie recipe you’d best be prepared to start from scratch. Due to the altitude, baking measurements don’t quire work in Denver. You’ll have to fiddle with the ratios until you get it right, or else you’ll be forced to buy your baked goods from the likes of Humble Pie Store, The Denver Bread CompanyMermaids Bakery, and more.

25. Boycott Denver

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Nobody should move to Denver until they bring back the old Denver Nuggets jerseys. Seriously, people need to start a boycott.

Still Want to Move to Denver?

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If you won’t listen to reason and insist on moving to Denver then you might as well find a home using Estately real estate search, or download our new iPhone app.

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23 Reasons You Should DEFINITELY Move to Florida

1. Perpetual Spring Break

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What if we told there’s a state where every single day can be Spring Break? It’s always warm, the sun is always shining, and if you’re unemployed and constantly drunk you can recreate the magic of your past Spring Breaks every day of the year.

2. Racial Harmony

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Racism is everywhere in the United States, but of all the states Florida is the least likely to judge you for having skin color resembling an overcooked hot dog.

3. Easy to Meet Friendly People

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Lots of Florida residents want to be your friend. And your mom’s friend. And your sister’s friend…

4. You’ll Never Swim Alone in Florida

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Swimming alone in the ocean is scary, but in Florida you can take comfort in knowing you’re never alone when you swim in the ocean! The ocean is teeming with wildlife.

5. Tim Tebow Is Still Unmarried

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He’s no longer an NFL quarterback so maybe his self-esteem has dipped a little? Maybe he’s ready to compromise those ideals and settle for someone who’s a five at best? We’re not even talking a Florida five, but something even like a Midwest five!

6. Future Waterfront Property

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Thanks to global warming that Orlando home for sale that’s currently miles from the beach could soon be prime waterfront property. Great investments can be found inland.

7. Lakefront Homes!

Mosul_Dam_sinkholeEven if your home is will never be on the ocean, it could become a lakefront property at any moment thanks to sinkholes. Just turn on the hose and fill it with water!

8. Three NFL Teams

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Florida is home to the Miami Dolphins, Jacksonville Jaguars, and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. With so much variety to choose from there’s always one team with a winning record, except for in 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2009…

9. Free Burmese Pythons

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Those suckers in New York have to pay $150-$300 for a Burmese python, plus shipping and handling. If you live in Florida, you can get your own pet python for free in the Everglades!

10. Alligators Are Not (Very) Dangerous

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You’re way more likely to die from a jellyfish sting, and the sea is full of poisonous jellyfish!

11. New Singles In Your Area

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Everyday in Florida thousands of people suddenly become eligible singles! Florida takes speed dating to a whole new level because there isn’t much time left.

12. Tired of Life in the Fast Lane?

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All lanes are slow lanes in Florida thanks to local drivers. So relax, you’re not going anywhere quickly.

13. No Need to Stress About Elections

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You could read up on the candidates and studiously read over your voters pamphlet, or you could skip it entirely because your vote often doesn’t count in Florida. They’ll probably even make you wait in line for hours to vote anyway.

14. No Judgment

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In your current town, perhaps you’re known as the area eccentric who walks around with a parrot on his/her shoulder. In Florida, you will be one of thousands of people wandering the streets with a parrot on your shoulder. Finally, no more stares and snickering… unless you were doing it for the attention all along…

15. Musical Delight

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Florida is the only state where you have good odds of catching both a Flo Rida concert and a Pitbull concert on the same day!

16. Less Government Intrusion

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If America really is a land of personal freedom then how come so many states have regulations banning “dwarf tossing?” Florida lawmaker Ritch Workman (and aspiring Pitbull celebrity impersonator) is cutting the red tape to make it legal again for diminutively-sized people to be tossed around a bar by drunken fools for cash.

17. Retirement

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If you were frugal and put money away for retirement you can sell your assets and move south to one of Florida’s many retirement communities. There’s one for any budget.

18. Making a Better America

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Florida is the only state who’s arrested the most dangerous Canadian menace to ever set foot on American soil—Justin Bieber. That’s great, but maybe Florida’s space program can launch him into space and place him on asteroid journeying to the far reaches of our solar system.

19. No More Scurvy!

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Florida produces 66.7% of the oranges grown in the United States so while people in Alaska are getting scurvy (possibly?) you’ll be making screwdrivers for breakfast to fend of this terrible disease caused by vitamin C deficiency.

20. Permission to Wear Funny Pants Granted

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With well over 1,000 golf courses Florida has more than any other U.S. state. Not only are you free to wear hideous golf pants any day you want, you can also wear your pajama pants to the grocery store. That’s freedom!

21. United We Fight Old Battles

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Florida is located in the south, but it’s now home to so many northern transplants it’s really a blend of the two. Thus, it’s the ideal place for a Civil War reenactment.

22. Everybody Has a Boat

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No other state offers so many opportunities to explore by boat, and sometimes even your own neighborhood.

23. Free Yard Cleaning

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Don’t feel like raking leaves or cleaning up that cut brush in the yard? No problem. perhaps one of the tornadoes will remove it for you and place it somewhere else for you.

ARE YOU READY TO MOVE TO FLORIDA?

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Ready to make Florida your home? Check out Florida homes for sale using Estately real estate search, or download our new iPhone app.

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24 Reasons You Should NEVER Live in Minnesota

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With beautiful natural areas, a strong economy, and great quality of life, Minnesota has a reputation for being a great place to live and buy a home. However, beneath its hard candy shell lies the bitter reality that Minnesota is truly no place to live. Here’s the proof…

YOU WILL DATE GARRISON KEILLOR

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Everybody knows Garrison Keillor, the popular host of the Minnesota Public Radio show “A Prairie Home Companion,” but did you know if you move to Minnesota he’ll also want to be your personal companion? A date with Garrison starts out with a shared plate of pancakes and him recounting stories of his childhood in Anoka, Minnesota. After that you’ll take long drive in the country and he will recount more stories of his childhood. That night, you’ll go back to his place where he’ll make you some tea, provide you with a complimentary NPR tote bag, and recount more tales of his childhood. Those stories will continue for days until you collapse in exhaustion and he abandons you for someone else. You see, Garrison Keillor does not sleep. He just runs a continuous monologue like some of kind of adorably folksy robot with unlimited batteries. He’s a state treasure.

NO BOOZE ON SUNDAYS

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In Minnesota, it’s illegal to sell liquor on Sundays because Minnesota’s more uptight residents like to relive the thrill of prohibition once a week.

10,000 LAKES OF DANGER

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Minnesota likes to brag about being the largest producer of sugar beets, but with over 10,000 lakes the state might also be the largest producer of mosquitoes in the country. Now imagine an outbreak of yellow fever set to polka music?

PROXIMITY TO WISCONSIN

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Do you really want to live within close proximity to Wisconsin? What if you make a wrong turn and accidentally drive across the border. Suddenly you’ll look yourself in the mirror and realize I’M IN WISCONSIN. You’ll be thinking about all the missteps you made in life that brought you this point (Wisconsin). Are you ready face all that? Are you ready to wallow in regret, and in Wisconsin of all places?

DANGEROUS RECREATION

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Regardless of whether you call it a snow machine or a snowmobile, there’s a 100% chance you will be injured while operating one. It’s a Minnesota tradition.

PRINCE WILL NOT MAKE YOU PANCAKES

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If you’re in Minneapolis you might see local boy Prince around town. If you do see him out at a club you must never ask him if he’ll invite you back to his house for pancakes. Do you have any idea how often he gets asked that? All the time. And if you ask him he will cast a spell on you that turns you into a whacky symbol. Seriously. Prince has got crazy powers.

YOU’LL BECOME AN OFFICE DRONE

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Minnesota is home to a number of Fortune 500 companies and the odds are high you’ll work for one of them. Choose from Target, Best Buy, 3M, UnitedHealth Group, Hormel Foods, and more. You’ll get hired, work your way up to mid-tier position, and that’s when the moderate amount of dollars start rolling in. While this might feel like professional success it is really just laying the foundation for a spectacular midlife crisis.

NOBODY WILL TAKE YOU ICE FISHING

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People who grow up in Minnesota tend to stay in Minnesota, which means most people already have a social circle made up of their childhood friends. Odds are you’ll simply never get past acquaintance status with anyone you meet, which means nobody is going to take you ice fishing. And if you don’t get to go ice fishing then what was the point of moving to Minnesota in the first place?

YOU’LL HAVE ADRIAN PETERSON’S BABY

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There’s a 12% chance you’ll wind up having Vikings running back Adrian Peterson’s baby.

SECOND DEGREE CHEESE BURNS

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Have you ever had hot, molten cheese shoot out of a burger patty and scorch the inside of your mouth? It’s incredibly painful and it’s going to happen to you. People in Minnesota like to put cheese inside their burger patties and then cook them. This keeps all the cheese from dripping off while melting it, but it’s still dangerous. Some call this practice decidedly un-America, but in Minnesota they call it a Jucy Lucy.

JOE MAUER WON’T BE YOUR BOYFRIEND

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Speaking of hot, Joe Mauer (born and raised in St. Paul) plays for his hometown Minnesota Twins. He’s allegedly very attractive, but he will never be your boyfriend. He’s married and has some kids, so move along. He’s not available.

EATING “VEGETABLES”

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In Minnesota, when someone asks you to bring a salad to a potluck they mean a Jello salad, the official state salad of Minnesota (possibly not true). Should you bring an arugula or kale salad to one of these events there will be some very harsh words said behind your back, but not to your face because that’s the Minnesota way.

CANADIAN COINS

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Because of its proximity to Canada lousy Canadian coins somehow end up in all the Minnesota cash registers. Whenever you get change you’ll have to look through it to see if any coins have animals or the Queen on them.

BABY, IT’S #$%&ING COLD OUTSIDE

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Strange coins aren’t the only thing that travels south from Canada.  Horrible, biting cold that dumps feet of snow and seemingly never ends and traps you inside your house and makes it so your car won’t start and it’s all anyone can talk about for six months and AAHHHHHHHHHH! You should just retire already and buy a house in Fort Lauderdale.

COSTLY HEATING BILLS

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Even if you do succeed in breeding a herd of tauntauns you’re still going to spend a fortune staying warm in the winter. Annual home heatings costs are just about equivalent to that of tauntaun feed.

PAUL BUNYAN

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Paul Bunyan and his big blue ox left Minnesota years ago after the decline of the local logging industry. He now chops down old growth trees somewhere in Alberta, Canada.

PHO BURNOUT

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Pho, a delicious Vietnamese soup, is a staple in any Minnesota city or town with a large Vietnamese or Hmong population. You’ll eat it when it’s cold outside, you’ll eat it when you’re sick, you’ll eat it for lunch, and you’ll eat it when your bank account is low. In fact, you will eat it so much you’ll start tasting it in your dreams.

YOUR TRIGGER FINGER IS SLOW

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Are you the best at Big Buck Hunter at your current neighborhood tavern? That’s nice, but in Minnesota that doesn’t cut it. Minneapolis plays host to the Big Buck Hunter World Championship, in which the world’s top video game masters compete in a shootout that determines who the best of the best is. You wouldn’t stand a chance.

MINNESOTA ACCENT


If you’re unaccustomed to the Minnesota accent you will constantly think Sarah Palin is in the room with you whenever someone talks. If you move to Minnesota you’ll find mastering this accent will frustrate you to no end. Too practice, click the video above for a tutorial from the hilarious Minnesota-born comedian Joleen Lunzer.

MINNESOTA “NICE”

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“Minnesota Nice” is a slogan that describes the reputation of Minnesota residents as considerate, caring citizens who look out for each other. Or, you can be cynical, and choose to interpret it in the way that people politely describe the unattractive, boring friend they want to fix you up with. “What’s he like? Oh, well he’s really… nice.

LUTEFISK
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Minnesota residents get extra rations of tater tots, which is awesome, but it comes at a steep price. Much of the local population clings to some Scandinavian food traditions, such a lutefisk. This putrid, gelatinous whitefish dish is prepared using lye and all the Listerine in the world won’t wash the taste from your mouth.

YOU WILL LIVE LIKE A HAMSTER

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Because of the winter weather, downtown Minneapolis has 8 miles of climate-controlled skyways connects buildings within 69 blocks of downtown. This is great for avoiding the cold, and even better for understanding what life is like for your childhood pet hamster, except there’s no cheese prize waiting for you.

YOUR LOVE LIFE WILL SUFFER

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In the coldest, darkest, most desolate part of winter you will feel so isolated, so trapped in your home that your heart will yearn for companionship. You will gaze out your window until your eyes fall upon the snowman in your neighbor’s yard. Love starved and lonely you will develop  Snowman Love Syndrome, a common Minnesota affliction. Or, who knows, maybe you’ll survive the cold outside by creating warmth with some very nice person inside your home. Perhaps Minnesota’s winters are what you make of them.

HOME PRICES

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Throughout Minnesota, and even in Minneapolis and St. Paul, home prices are fairly affordable. Unfortunately, the costs go up when you realize you’re obligated to also buy a lake house to spend your weekends at. Do you really want to buy two houses in Minnesota? This whole article is based on discouraging you from buying even one, but if you can’t be reasoned with then you should definitely use Estately for your home search. They have an iPhone app as well, and it’s awesome.

  |  Lists

16 Reasons You Should NEVER Move to Portland

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Each day, thousands of people across America contemplate moving to Portland, Oregon. Drawn by its creative culture, influential arts and food scene, and rising popularity, many think Portland is the place to be. Unfortunately, they couldn’t be more wrong. Portland is a terrible place to live, and to prove it we’ve come up with 16 reasons you should never make it your home.

INTOLERANCE

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Portland residents pride themselves on their tolerance of other people, but then where does all their natural, human intolerance go? It has to be dumped somewhere, so the locals unleash it on gluten. What does Portland have against a substance in grains that makes dough elastic and food delicious? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you. Gluten intolerance is the prejudice du jour in Portland. Having a dinner party? Better make sure there’s a gluten-free alternative for Kevin. Want to discuss current events? Too bad, Kevin’s going to steer the conversation right back to his favorite topic—his gluten-caused flatulence.

ABBY WAMBACH WILL NEVER BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND

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Abby Wambach is a lot of things—a Portland resident, American soccer hero, and total badass—but one thing she isn’t is “your future girlfriend.” You can cover your walls with her posters and walk Portland’s streets in hopes of bumping into her, but Portland’s #1 heartthrob still isn’t going to be your girlfriend. She married her longtime partner back in 2013 so she’s going to be living happily ever after with her, not you. Sorry, about that. Here, have a beer…

CRAFT BREWERS ARE TOO CRAFTY FOR YOU

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If Portland is ever washed away it won’t be because the Willamette River floods, it will because the city drowns itself in beer production. Brewing beer is a noble pursuit, and in any other city your brewing efforts would be a welcome addition, but what do you think you can add to the Portland beer market? Boring Brewing is already brewing up IPAs with a touch of rye. Rogue is brewing a braggot with Marionberries and honey, and Upright Brewing is flavoring some of its beers in gin barrels. That covers about 0.05% of the beers brewed in the area so good luck coming up with something unique. The locals have already mastered it.

YOUR FOOD CART IDEA IS NOT ORIGINAL

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You stayed up late dreaming up an incredibly original food cart concept that you’ll start once you move to Portland, right? Guess what? Somebody’s already done it, and done it well. Your Scandinavian burrito idea? Ingrid’s Scandinavian is already wrapping the good stuff up in lefse. Meat dumplings from an obscure former Soviet republic? Kargi Gogo is already serving up khinkali that’s dzalian gemrielia. Maybe you thought PB&J french fries was original? Nope, Potato Champion is already cranking them out, as well as vegan poutine. It’s strongly recommended you abandon your food cart dreams.

YOU’RE STILL GOING TO START A FOOD CART?

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Undeterred? Be sure to check out Portland Craigslist, which is littered with the abandoned dreams of the foodie entrepreneurs who have come before. There are currently 43 used food carts and trucks for sale on the site. Be sure to save the ad copy from the one you buy for when you can re-list it.

YOU CAN’T PUMP YOUR OWN GAS

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You can pretend it’s no big deal, but one of the greatest modern joys is pumping your own gas. This is outlawed in Oregon so instead of being self-sufficient you’ll sit around waiting for a station attendant to perform this simple task. This means you won’t experience the guilt-free thrill of inhaling gasoline vapors, or the joy that comes with turning the pump off at just the exact moment the price reaches a whole dollar amount.

YOUR YARD WILL BE OVERUN BY FLIGHTLESS BIRDS

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It’s not officially mandated by Portland law, but the social pressure to keep a small flock of backyard chickens is immense. Once you’ve purchased a stylish coop from Saltbox Designs, you’ll then have to splurge on organic, gluten-free grain so you can barter the eggs for foraged edibles at the local farmers market.

NO COUNTRY FOR YOUNG CONSERVATIVES

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Even if you try and pass off your Ronald Reagan tattoo as ironic, the locals will generally view any expression of conservatism with utter disdain.

PORTLANDERS BE SHOPPING

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There’s no sales tax in Oregon, which means you’ll be more inclined to spend those dollars out shopping, but wait! Your income is taxed, your property is taxed, and so is your business! Actually, taxation is a pretty standard practice for any place that has a government so maybe this isn’t such a shocking revelation.

YOU CAN’T GET MARRIED AT THE CHURCH OF ELVIS

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Back in the old days, if two people met at a bar, and got drunk enough to make regrettable decisions, they could get married after closing time at the Church of Elvis. Now it’s closed (they will still make house calls), so instead you’ll have to get married at a doughnut shop instead. It’s like nothing is sacred anymore in Portland.  Wait, the doughnut shop wedding comes with 24 free doughnuts? Ok, that’s cool.

THE BAGELS ARE NOT ELITE

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If you’re reading this then you’re probably a New Yorker answering the call of the New York Times to colonize the Rose City and turn it into New Brooklyn. Congratulations, your substantial trust fund puts you at a distinct advantage when to comes to cornering the artisan pickle market. However, you should know you’ll be horribly disappointed by the local bagels. Apparently forming a dense bread by rolling dough into a ring and boiling it requires some incredible sophistication only you New Yorkers can master, even if the rest of the country can’t tell the difference. Maybe you can learn to love doughnuts instead?

NO IN-N-OUT BURGER IN PORTLAND

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If you’re not a New Yorker, but you’re still considering moving to Portland then you’re probably a Californian. Two things you should know. First, everyone in the Northwest despises Californians, but they’re all so passive aggressive they’ll never tell you directly. Second, there are currently no In-N-Out Burger franchises in Oregon. However, there’s a rumor the chain is about to cross the border with a franchise in Medford, which is just 273 miles to Portland’s south. You Californians don’t mind driving for hours so that’s probably cool.

THERE ARE NO JOBS

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The top complaint among people moving to Portland is the utter lack of jobs. Oregon has the 8th highest unemployment rate (7.2%), and the Portland-Vancouver-Hillsboro metro area is at 6.6%. Also, Portland’s a cliquey city so it’s hard to make connections. If you did find a job it would probably be at Nike, so you’d probably spend your work day thinking up new ways to make college football jerseys so ugly people will stop playing football. Do you really want to be what causes America’s favorite sport to end?

YOU HAVE A SUBPAR BEARD

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Do you possess the rugged beard of a 19th century logger rolling champion? If not then you’re wispy whiskers will prove insufficient for the Portland lifestyle. Your only solution will be to spend $3,000-$7,000 on beard implants, a costly surgical procedure that removes hair from the scalp or chest and grafts it onto your face. That’s painful.

BLAZING A TRAIL TO LAST PLACE

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Clifford “Uncle Cliffy” Robinson doesn’t play for the Trail Blazers anymore, and neither do Clyde Drexler, Terry Porter, or Arvydas Sabonis. Sure, the team’s got some young talent and some of the NBA’s best fans, but it’s not the good old days when the Rose Garden was a rockin’ and other teams were scared to come a knocking.

PORTLAND HOMES ARE TOO NORMAL

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There are currently over 3,000 homes for sale in Portland. Many of them are modest homes, moderately priced, with ample yard space for a garden. However, not one of these homes has a bowling alley in the basement, or a helipad on the roof, or a moat, or a bomb shelter. Do you really want to live somewhere so conventional? If you do, and we really recommend you don’t, you can check out Portland homes for sale on Estately.

  |  Lists, Maps

Which U.S. States Have the Most Immature Men?

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A recent Pew Research report that shows the continued decline of marriage rates has opened a debate about the decline in men who are worthy of marrying. Why are men increasingly undesirable? Experts point to a high unemployment rate among men, lower college enrollment, and an increase in the number of adult males living at home with their parents (20 percent of men ages 25-31 live at home, while just 12% of women do).

However, it’s also possible this is the result of the growing number of men basking in a prolonged state of adolescent immaturity? Could it be that people are simply not interested in cohabitating with men who do little more than drink with their buddies, play video games, and watch porn? If this is the case, where are these types of guys most plentiful and where are they least common? Estately set out to determine which states have a higher percentage of adult males still sleeping between their childhood Star Wars sheets by using these (typically male) immaturity measurements…

  1. No Job (unemployment rate for each state)
  2. Fantasy Football Enthusiasm (expressed interest for fantasy football by male Facebook users ages 25-65 in each state)
  3. Beer Pong Enthusiasm  (expressed interest for beer pong by male Facebook users ages 25-65 in each state)
  4. Video Game Enthusiasm (expressed interest for video games by male Facebook users ages 25-65 in each state)
  5. Enthusiasm for watching The Family Guy (expressed interest for The Family Guy by male Facebook users ages 25-65 in each state)
  6. Porn Viewership (number of porn downloads per capita in each state)

In the end we discovered the country’s most immature men are congregated in the Midwest, Great Lakes, Southwest, and Appalachia. The most mature were in the Northwest, Mountain West, and South.

 

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10 STATES WITH THE MOST IMMATURE MEN

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1. RHODE ISLAND

It’s unfortunate that Rhode Island isn’t a real island because that could provide an excuse for the thousands of man-sized children who’ve failed to launch there. Grown men still gather around their families’ televisions to laugh at Family Guy (1st), then retreat to the basement for some fart jokes and beer pong (2nd). If you’re interested in dating single men you might want to consider a different locale (not Delaware).

2. DELAWARE

This sliver of land wedged between Maryland (30th) and New Jersey (43rd) is Delaware (2nd), a hotbed for men who still sleep in their childhood bunk beds. The closest these man babies get to interacting with eligible singles in their area is when they unwittingly open email attachments promising “lonely singles dying to meet you.” This is why their mom’s computer doesn’t work anymore. This is why you’re banned using it for anything but job searches..

3. ILLINOIS

A lot of men in Illinois could have afforded their own apartment if they hand’t spent their money on a tablet so they could update their fantasy football teams while still watching naked people frolic on their laptops. For those in Illinois interested in dating a grown man instead of fledgling human, there’s a horrible reality they’ll need to come to terms with. Illinois is at the geographic center of male immaturity. Neighboring Indiana (12th), Iowa (14th), and Missouri (17th) offer only slightly more mature options.

4. NORTH DAKOTA

Because North Dakota’s men get up and go to work everyday (lowest unemployment in U.S.) perhaps they can be forgiven for indulging in the youthful pursuits of fantasy football (3rd), Family Guy (2nd), and beer pong (3rd).

5. OHIO

Old School was a comedic classic, however, it is not a template for how a man should actually live out his 40s. A large percentage of Ohio’s adult male population don’t think this way though. It’s something to think about the next time you yell out to a middle aged friend, “You’re my boy, Blue!”

6. MICHIGAN

Is it possible the prolonged adolescence that lasts well into one’s forties is simply a learned behavior ingrained in young men who attend Big Ten schools? That would be a simple way to explain why the large swath of male immaturity that spreads out around states near the Great Lakes.

7. KENTUCKY

Give a man at an arcade a few tokens and he’ll play video games for a minute. Give a Kentucky man an Xbox and put it in his mother’s basement and he’ll never move out and find a job. Kentucky is tops for playing video games, and it’s has fourth highest unemployment rate. Is there a connection?

8. NEVADA

Las Vegas has long been a destination for men looking to relive their most immature party days, so it’s not surprising that many of those people end up moving there. Unfortunately, when they do they often behave like a tourists, lose their jobs, and end up sitting in a dark room playing video games all day.

9. NEBRASKA

An average day in an overgrown boy’s life in Nebraska starts with his mom waking him up, then he kisses his high school football trophies good morning, goes to work (spends 7 hours watching Tosh.0 and searching online for new fart jokes), picks up dinner at Jack ‘n the Box, plays Madden until midnight, kisses his high school football trophies goodnight, and goes to bed and dreams about beer bonging.

10. WISCONSIN

Every culture has certain milestones or rituals that represent a boy crossing the threshold to manhood. Unfortunately, in Wisconsin the widely accepted right of passage is simply when a boy defeats his older brother’s high score in Grand Theft Auto 5.

10 STATES WITH THE MOST MATURE MEN

1. UTAH

Aside from playing video games, Utah’s male population exhibits some fairly mature traits. Sure, the state waters its beer down to the point of it being almost pointless to drink, and the marrying age is ridiculously young, but it’s still a state where sober reasoning wins out over the impulsive decisions most men left behind with puberty.

2. IDAHO

While male residents in West Virginia are still belching the alphabet to impress women, the men of Idaho are off changing the oil in their pickup trucks and never asking their moms to pay their cellphone bills.

3. WASHINGTON STATE

Washington state is home to the Seattle Seahawks, which drafted Russell Wilson to be its franchise quarterback. Ohio is home to the Cleveland Browns, which drafted Johnny Manziel to be its QB. Perhaps this reflective of the attitude that has each state on opposite sides of the spectrum.

4. MONTANA

What if America’s Western expansion was really just people trying to move away from men whose parents had deemed them to irresponsible to have pets? All Westerners aspire to have guinea pigs. There, somebody’s finally said it.

5. FLORIDA

Florida’s stats are skewed because the high numbers of older men skew these stats. You’ll find plenty of immature men in Florida.

6. VERMONT

Look, when you’re the beer pong champion in college people are going to keep testing you to claim your throne and you have to defend it. Vermont may be #1 for beer bong enthusiasm, but it’s still home to a high percentage of mature men. You know, the kind of men who put in a hard days work at the ice cream factory and then deliver a pint to their girlfriend. That’s so unlike Massachusetts where dudes text their girlfriends at 1am to ask, “You up? I just rented a new game from GameFly. Can me and my buddies come over cuz my mom took away my Xbox.”

7. OREGON

Oregon may not be doing so well on the job front (8th highest unemployment rate), but they’re using the extra free time to craft their own beer, not just hang out in their tree forts drinking their dad’s beer.

8. NEW JERSEY

Looking for a mature man who won’t divorce you and never plays video games? The Garden State is producing a surprisingly mature crop of men. Take note New Yorkers.

9. WYOMING

Men in Wyoming don’t have time to watch pornographic videos on the interwebs because they have a high rate of employment and agricultural jobs that don’t allow for much free time. Or it’s because they still have dial-up internet.

10. ALASKA 

Why play Duck Hunt on your old NES when you can actually hunt ducks? Why play beer pong, a game designed to make the other person drink, when beer is more expensive than in any other state? Why look at porn when you can place snowmen in lewd positions 10 months out of the year. This is Alaska, a state that’s long been inhospitable to immature men who can’t survive on their own.

  |  Maps

Did You Know They Secretly Replaced Your Regular Coffee?

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Perhaps it’s none of our business, and perhaps you’d prefer to remain in the dark, but we felt like people should know their regular coffee has been secretly replaced with something else. Why was this done? To see if you could tell the difference. What does this have to do with real estate, or buying a home, or choosing where to live? Perhaps nothing, but we just thought you should know.

  |  Lists, Maps

So This Is What Americans Dream About

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Because mapping out each U.S. state’s sordid internet search histories isn’t nosy enough, Estately teamed decided to peek at each state’s dreams by teaming up with DreamsCloud, a site that helps users find meaning and deeper understanding in their dreams. DreamsCloud analyzed the dream descriptions of users in each state and provided the five most common words/symbols that appear for each. We put the most frequently mentioned symbol on the map and listed the top five below. Estately attempted to assign meaning to the most common dream symbols for each state. Feel free to provide your own interpretations in the comments section. We’ll share the best ones on social media. And be sure to check out DreamsCloud’s Dream Dictionary for a far more insightful analysis of the meaning individual dream symbols.

ALABAMA:  high school / dancing / sex / breasts / beach house

Instead of reading a book before bed, residents of Alabama like to watch their Girls Gone Wild tape on VHS.

ALASKA:  magic / falling / old man / school / hands

Alaska is filled with wild animals and creepy dreams.

ARIZONA:  bedroom / left / talking / thief / phone

The greatest fear for an Arizona resident is that someone will steal their phone. This could be said about everyone under the age of 40.

ARKANSAS:  *no data

Perhaps people in Arkansas sleep so soundly because they never dream at all?

CALIFORNIA:  talking / back / people / down / house

You know how people always say they wish they could record their awesome dreams and make them into a movie? In California their dreams are so boring they just make movies instead.

COLORADO: dog / hello / rhyme / gunshots / teacher

One of the worst symptoms of altitude sickness is dreaming that you’re a canine rapper dodging gunfire on your way to school.

CONNECTICUT:  baby / flight / shopping / fire / mall

A common fear in Connecticut is that date night will be canceled because the Sbarro at the mall is closed because of a fire.

DELAWARE:  speeding / terrorist / guns / broken car / stalker

Dream time in Delaware is basically just a Die Hard movie.

DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA:  drugs / dark / car / crown / train

If you’re a drug kingpin in D.C. it’s a real dream dilemma choosing what mode of transport to smuggle your goods.

FLORIDA:  bathroom / house / day / cruise ship / nye

It doesn’t matter if you’re at home, on a cruise ship, or hanging out with Bill Nye, the primary concern is bathroom proximity.

GEORGIA:  grocery / argue / diapers / bus / bed

Selecting the wrong brand of diapers at the store can get you thrown out of the house or run out of town. THIS STATE WEARS HUGGIES!!!

HAWAII:  music / father / family / furniture / bathroom

Did you know that there are a shortage of garages in Hawaii and that’s why most family bands have to practice in the bathroom?

IDAHO:  Japanese writing / shooter / signs / raw eggs / airport

If you’re an Idaho car service driver you have a couple real concerns:  1. Making a sign the Japanese businessman you’re picking up at the airport can read so he knows you’re his driver. 2) Training like Rocky Balboa, which includes chugging raw eggs like oyster shooters.

ILLINOIS:  airport / girlfriend / car / people / dragon

Would you rather drive your girlfriend to the airport during a rush hour or battle a dragon? There’s no correct answer here.

INDIANA:  blue / bear / down / ex-boyfriend / night

Feeling blue? Ex-boyfriend got you feeling down? Well get ready to meet somebody new at Bear Night, the Midwest’s most exciting bear-themed bingo event.

IOWA:  angels / carnations / steal / airplane / ace

Ever have that recurring dream that your a WWI flying ace and you’ve stolen an airplane to fly to heaven to win the heart of a beautiful angel by presenting her with a bouquet of carnations? You would if it was 1920 and you lived in Iowa.

KANSAS:  above / accelerating / abyss / abutment / accordion

Kansas residents don’t get very far into the alphabet when they dream.

KENTUCKY:  ex-boyfriend / loss / blame / black hole / whiteness

If you’ve lost your ex-boyfriend when he was sucked into a black hole then you only have your whiteness to blame… apparently.

LOUISIANA:  drugs / sex / bike / vampire / moving

The lesson here is if you’re going to do drugs and sex stuff with vampires at least travel by bicycle because of global warming, and also because you’re really high and not in the right state of mind to operate heavy machinery.

MAINE:  screaming / ghost / haunted / laughing / laugh

In Maine’s libraries, the collected works of Stephen King are found under humor writing, not horror.

MARYLAND:  conscious / drum set / acid / firefighter / cemetery

Dream time in Maryland is basically that really cool older kid from up the street who you later learned was a total loser.

MASSACHUSETTS:  abyss / tidal waves / applications / team / accident

You’re a team of programmers working on a new iPhone app that can save the world from natural disasters and nuclear accidents, but can you complete your task before your alarm clock wakes you?

MICHIGAN:  down / big / over / rock / (the S-H word)

Bunch of potty mouth Neanderthals in Michigan

MINNESOTA:  bus / falling / crowd / building / inside

Imagine if instead of dreaming you just re-watched Speed (starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock) over and over. That’s real life in Minnesota.

MISSISSIPPI:  cheating / doctor / water / adultery / sex

If this were a game of Clue, a good guess would be Doctor X… in the swimming pool… with your husband?

MISSOURI:  sex / party / ex / friends / Disney

Oddly, a Missourians greatest fear when attending a sex party dressed like a Disney character is bumping into an ex-girlfriend of ex-boyfriend hanging out with all his/her friends.

MONTANA:  friends / murder / fire / fame / artist

Sort of figured everyone in Montana just dreamed about Brad Pitt fly fishing in A River Runs Through It, but it’s actually much darker than that.

NEBRASKA:  piglet / sand / business card / afterbirth / Grenada

Hi, my name is Linda and my professional goals include moving to Grenada and running along the beach with my pet piglet. Here’s my business card…?

NEVADA: house / hotel / fire / body / street

Arsonists have the bulk of anxiety-filled dreams in Nevada.

NEW HAMPSHIRE:  house / sex / time / day / bedroom

The logistics of sex are really keeping New Hampshire up at night.

NEW JERSEY:  running / kiss / tornado / holding hands / co-worker

New Jersey dream date:  Take co-worker to a KISS concert, hold hands, kiss, and then fly away to somewhere else together in a tornado. Awesome.

NEW MEXICO:  sitting / tongue / ear / back / car

Do you want to fool around in the back of a parked car? New Mexico does.

NEW YORK:  family / cats / city / death / people

Some day, when humanity has vanished, New York will be repopulated by a large family of tabby cats.

NORTH CAROLINA:  amusement park / abdomen / soda / cafeteria / stabbed

If you’re in North Carolina at an amusement park and you experience a stomach ache it’s either bad cafeteria food or you’ve been stabbed.

NORTH DAKOTA:  *insufficient data

Since there’s no measurable data, this is just a guess, but everyone in North Dakota dreams they’re the Highlander, and there can only be one Highlander!

OHIO:  down / fear / relationship / car / family

Basically, Ohio residents just dream their stuck on a family road trip all night every night.

OKLAHOMA:  birds / green / river / family / paintings

If they didn’t have families to take care, Oklahomans would probably follow their dreams of moving to Portland, Oregon to become bird portrait artists.

OREGON:  people / stomach / talking / day / marriage

Before he could say “I do” the 7-layer burrito he’d unwisely eaten started audibly rumbling in his stomach and the marriage was doomed.

PENNSYLVANIA:  sales / walls / choking / ocean / lion

A classic Philly pick-up line people dream of hearing is “Hey baby, when I’m not making sales calls while boxed in by these cubicle walls I like to strangle lions in the ocean. Can I buy you a drink?”

RHODE ISLAND:  island / demon / flight / friends / phone

If you’re ever trapped on a demon-filled island with your friends it’s probably Rhode Island (*not an island).

SOUTH CAROLINA:  bed / ocean / bedside / school / can

That’s boring, South Carolina. Boring.

SOUTH DAKOTA:  cupcake / bank / Tessa Dee / cheating / crying

Tessa Dee is the reigning Miss South Dakota and the state’s residents would like to buy her a cupcake.

TENNESSEE:  friends / adultery / little / sand / singer

Those country song themes really invade dream time in Tennessee.

TEXAS:  family / man / driving / crowd / airport

If you’re reading this from inside an airport shuttle bus heading to a Texas airport you might want to check and see if your driver is asleep.

UTAH:  breasts / back / couch / house / lean

A common dream in Utah is that you’re back at the house, sitting on the couch, eating a chicken breast Lean Cuisine with broccoli florets and a pomegranate sauce.

VIRGINIA:  test / friends / left / family / down

When you flunk a test in dreamland in Virginia you’re letting down a lot of friends and family.

WASHINGTON:  cats / wedding / laser / family / hide

Everyone in Washington has a recurring dream in which the cat finally gains control of the laser pointer and ruins a family wedding.

WEST VIRGINIA:  apple / adventure / lap dance / science / body

For a lonely pervert, the lap dance was very enjoyable, but as a scientist the lap dance really provided a Galileo moment in providing a great understanding of gravity.

WISCONSIN:  time / keys / new / black / people

Ever have that dream you travel back in time so you can be the first person to tell everyone about a new band called The Black Keys? That’s sad.

Don’t believe our interpretations for these states are correct? Let us know your own interpretations in the comments, and be sure to check out DreamsCloud for far better dream analysis.

  |  Maps

Yet Another Map…

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We didn’t catch the tourist’s name (sounded like Rory), and he was a little unclear on where he was from—Russia, perhaps? Might have been Belarus? It was definitely not Peru. Regardless, he was fairly inebriated thanks to his recent consumption of a vast amount of 24 oz cans of Tilt Blue Lemon Lime, an alcoholic beverage he could not stop singing the praises of.

We asked for his impressions of what he’d seen traveling across America and then we created this map depicting what he told us. He had not visited every state, but he managed to fill in the blanks with stuff he’d seen on American Idol and Maury. Estately does not vouch for the validity of this tourist’s geography, and in facts disagrees strongly with most of it. However, we do vouch for the incredible user experience that awaits you if you try Estately’s phenomenal real estate search site or download the Estately iPhone App.

OTHER ARTICLES BY ESTATELY

The United States of Fear:  Which States Are the Scariest

Which U.S. States Most Love the 1980s?

Map of U.S. States Most Likely to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

  |  Lists

23 Reasons NOT to Live in Seattle

1. Doug Baldwin Will Not Be Your Boyfriend

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There are 326,202 men in Seattle, but only one of them is Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Doug Baldwin—the city’s most handsome man (and a Stanford grad). Your odds of dating him are very low. There’s probably a waiting list. If you’re not interested in dating Doug Baldwin there’s a very real chance your significant other is, and will probably talk about how dreamy he is all the time.

2. Utilikilts

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Once upon a time in Seattle a man was hanging out it in his wife’s closet trying on her clothes and thought, “Hey, these skirts are really comfortable, but I sure would like it if they came in a heavy, rough fabric that chafes my skin and costs a fortune” And with that, the Utilikilt was born. Seattle is home to the company’s headquarters and flagship store, and thanks to a strong Renaissance fair contingent that wears them (they’re ideal for Cosplay), these expensive items are seen all over the city. There are currently no laws banning these bro-skirts, so before you try climbing a ladder in Seattle, make sure there isn’t a man above you wearing one.

3. The Cold Beer War We Lost

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Back when America was still #1 (last week) the preferred beer ’round here was Rainier Beer. Then along came some wealthy Russian beer magnate who stole it (bought it) away from us along with other iconic American beers like Pabst, Colt 45, Lone Star, and Schlitz. So now what will Seattle residents do for a cheap buzz, assuming locals ignore the dozens of locally-produced and award-winning microbrews?

4. The Growing Marijuana Menace

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Seattle was once a nice, wholesome community with a bright future. Then it, along with the rest of Washington state, legalized marijuana. Now the city is hooked on the most horrible and dangerous of drugs—Mary Jane, a.k.a. scary Mary, whacky weed, happy grass, the tokey, silly smoke, and harbinger of delivery pizza. How long until complete reefer madness consumes the city? How long can you resist the temptation of this unscrupulous drug? Not long. In fact, you’re probably already high if you’re even considering moving to this marijuana metropolis.

5. The Seattle Freeze (Not an Ice Cream Shop)

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“The Seattle Freeze” sounds like some local ice cream shop that serves inventive flavors featuring locally-sourced ingredients. It is not. It is actually the name for the callous indifference newcomers claim to face upon arriving. If your emotional wellbeing is dependent upon your new neighbors knocking on your door with fresh-baked pies and immediately inviting you to join their social circle then this might not be the city for you. Emotionally isolating you is just Seattle’s way to hazing newcomers.

6. Nature Will Break Your Spirit

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Seattle’s proximity to the great outdoors means locals are only minutes from hiking, rock climbing, camping, skiing, kite surfing, mountaineering, birdwatching, fly fishing, general frolicking, and all manner of outdoor activities. While the majority of residents participate in some or all of these activities, in truth only a fraction of Seattle’s residents actually enjoy recreating amongst bears and mosquitoes. If you move here, it won’t be long until you’re shivering in the dark in a rain-soaked tent, tending to your marmot bites while bears tear your backpack apart in search of your trail mix. All of this misery simply because you moved to Seattle and befriended some enthusiastic outdoorsy types. You’ve been warned.

7. Your Style Will Suffer

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Seattle does not have a reputation as a well dressed town. Partly it’s because constant rain limits wardrobe options, and mostly it’s because local residents put their fashion energies into dressing up their dogs, like these two handsome pups. They are good boys. Yes they are. Such good boys.

8. You Will Overdose on Kale

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Kale grows year round in the Pacific Northwest, even during the cold and dreary months of October-June.  If Seattle’s farmers markets were open year round, the winter would feature nothing but kale. You will eat it braised, in salads, in your smoothies, you will listen to people talk about it at parties, you will meet people named “Kale,” you will smell it in the air, you will painfully listen to people speak of it being a super food, and you will it eat it baked as a substitute for potato chips. There is no substitute for potato chips.

9. You Will Drain Your Bank Account Buying Coffee

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To start, you’ll buy expensive espresso drinks because the caffeine compensates for a lack of sunlight. Eventually, you will make repeat daily visits to the same coffee shop because you’ve fallen in love with your barista. This love will definitely be one-sided, but the brief human interaction and jolt of caffeine these visits provide is enough to keep you awake through yet another workday.

10. You Will Spend Your Last Penny on Rent

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The median rental price in Seattle went up 11% in 2013, and finally cracked the top ten nationwide—$1,172. That’s about $40 per day. If you dreamed you’d be going to see live shows and dining out on crab and salmon you’re wrong. You’ll be eating Top Ramen in your basement apartment like you’re still in college. Be sure to check between the couch cushions after guests visit. You might just find enough to go to the laundromat.

11. You Can’t Even Buy Used Clothes Now

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Seattle once had abundant affordable clothing, but everything changed when local rapper Macklemore’s released his hit song “Thrift Shop.” Since then, there’s been a considerable increase in the prices of used socks, zebra jammies, velour jumpsuits, and dookie brown leather jackets.

12. You’ll Be Eaten By Hungry Killer Whales

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Killer whales inhabit Seattle’s Puget Sound, and while there’s no record of these majestic creatures ever attacking a human, you could definitely imagine it if you really let your mind wander. Do you really want to take the chance of being the first stand-up paddleboarder chewed to bits by a pod of hungry orcas?

13. You Will Sell Your Soul to Amazon

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Try as you might, none can escape the gravitational pull of working at Amazon. There are currently 4,860 job openings at Amazon located in Seattle alone. The interviews are time consuming, the hours are long, and it’s rumored you don’t even get a free Amazon Prime account if you’re employed there. Regardless, you will end up working there, and in your free time you will find yourself at parties and gatherings surrounded by other Amazon employees.

14. The Traffic Is Terrible

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The problem with shoehorning a city into a narrow strip of land between two unmovable bodies of water is it creates horrible choke points that can’t be fixed. In addition, Seattle is accessed by a self-sabotaging ferry fleet, floating bridges that fail in storms, and a tunnel project that’s currently stalled and probably doomed from the start. To make matters worse, the city is cutting bus service while the population is growing. To summarize, the whole mess is a complete pile of $#!@ %&$^#*& #@^% &^#%^# %$#&:( and it probably won’t be getting any better in the near future.

15. Earthquake Threat Level—HIGH!

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While California hogs the earthquake headlines, Washington state is still a hot bed of seismic activity. The Seattle area is prime earthquake country, with a number of fault lines running under or near the city. The most recent earthquake was the 6.8 magnitude Nisqually earthquake in 2001. The epicenter was 40 miles south of Seattle, but the city still saw considerable property damage.

16. Volcano Threat Level—HIGH!

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Just because the ground is rumbling beneath you doesn’t mean it’s necessarily an earthquake. It might just be one of the many nearby volcanoes erupting. When they go boom, the hot lava melts the glaciers and the resulting water turns into giant mudflows barreling down river valleys. Makes a real mess of things.

17. “Farewell, Sun” Is Not A Soundgarden Song—It’s Reality

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It’s true that Seattle’s annual rainfall of 36.5 inches is considerably less than many cities without reputations for constant rain, such as Boston (43.8 inches) and New York City (44.7 inches). However, what Seattle lacks in rain accumulation is makes up for with near constantly grey skies. Sometimes months can go by without residents catching a glimpse of the sun. And, due to the city’s northern latitude, if your work is nowhere near a window you could arrive at and depart from work in total darkness during the winter. And that’s when the Seasonal Affective Disorder kicks in.

18. Sore Winners

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Seattle once endured one of the most miserable stretches of losing in all of sports. The city’s lone championship came in 1979 when the Seattle Supersonics won the NBA title, and that team was later stolen away by Oklahoma City. Seriously, they left for Oklahoma City. Hope drained from the city until the city’s WNBA team won a pair of championships in 2004 and 2010. Following that, the Seattle Seahawks won the Super Bowl in 2014 and the whole city came unglued. Insecurity turned into a swagger on par with the Legion of Boom. Basically, if you move here you should know your favorite teams are stupid. Your soccer team is stupid. Your football team is stupid. Your baseball team is stupid, especially if you’re one of those obnoxious Red Sox fans who isn’t from Boston, but jumped on the bandwagon when they won their first World Series.

19. It’s Getting Really Crowded

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Between July 1, 2012 and July 1, 2013, Seattle grew 2.8%, which was faster than any other major city. What does that mean? Well, in college party terms it means Seattle has reached a critical mass where the party has peaked and will soon be broken up by the police.

20. Jaywalking Is Totally Taboo

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The shortest path between two points is a straight line, unless you’re a pedestrian in Seattle. When the neon red hand commands pedestrians to halt the Seattle sheep blindly obey. Part of this is because Seattle is full of polite, law-abiding goody goodies and part of it is because police roam the streets doling out $56 tickets to jaywalkers like this is Singapore or something.

21. Too Many Fried Green Tomatoes

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Fried green tomatoes are best known as a southern food tradition, but they’re also a common homemade dish in Seattle, primarily because the climate doesn’t allow tomatoes to ripen. Instead they hang on the vine in a permanent state of green until they rot. To prevent this, there’s only on option—fried green tomatoes. You will burn out on this dish.

22. The Space Swindle

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Seattle is a popular place, which means lots of friends and family will probably visit you there. When they do, they’ll insist on visiting the top of the Space Needle. This will cost you $21 each time you visit—that’s $21 to ride an elevator to a height that’s shorter than most office buildings.

23. Buying a House in a Seller’s Market

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The median sales price for Seattle homes hovers around $440,000 right now, and that’s lumping in condos with houses. If that sticker shock scares you just wait until the bidding wars break out between buyers. Seattle is a land of multiple offers and dwindling inventory. On top of that, there are rarely more than a couple houseboats for sale at any given time (view them here), which was probably how you imagined you would live when you watch Grey’s Anatomy and daydream about Seattle. Look, Seattle is an awful place to move to, but if you’re going to you might as well search for a home through Estately, a Seattle real estate search site that’s completely awesome although we might be a little bit biased.

VIEW SEATTLE HOMES FOR SALE ON ESTATELY HERE

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Which U.S. States Most Love the 1980s?

Map of U.S. States Most Likely to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

  |  Lists

12 Reasons NOT to Move to Marin County

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Marin County, located in the North San Francisco Bay Area, has a reputation for wealth, natural beauty and liberal politics. It has been the subject of Buzzfeed articles, Thought Catalogue posts and love letters in the Huffington Post. With all the hype and its many famous residents it’s hard to imagine why not to settle in this idyllic county. However, we here at Estately have a few reasons you might want to take into consideration.

1. Da nuh Da nuh

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Known for its natural beauty, many cite Tomales Bay, Stinson Beach, Duxbury Reef and Bolinas as assets to the Marin County shoreline. A recent study begs to differ. The study suggests that great white sharks are returning in abundance to the Pacific Ocean and puts the number prowling the Marin coastal waters near 2,400. You might want a bigger boat.

2. Night Life

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After local Denny’s, the only 24-hour sit-down restaurant in Marin, closed the only place to go after 10 p.m. for those under 21 is In-N-Out.

3. Night Life Pt. 2

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Teachers and their former students are more likely to run into each other than eligible singles at the local dive bar, the Silver Peso.

4. A cell block with a view

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Speaking of eligible bachelors, there are 4,260 of them all in one convenient location, except for one small detail… they’re behind bars at the maximum security prison San Quentin. On the bright side, the prison rests on 432 acres that overlook the scenic San Francisco Bay… only in Marin. Check out the prison’s Yelp reviews for the full lowdown.

5. The bubble effect

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You’d think the proximity to San Francisco would encourage Marinites to visit the city more often. The Marin bubble is stronger than most anticipate, and traffic and $7 bridge tolls will quickly discourage visits across the Golden Gate.

6. Hot-tubbers

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You probably don’t want to associate with a county George Bush senior has described as full of “some misguided Marin county hot-tubbers.” Especially since the same county was so enraged they later received an apology from the former president saying, “Call off the dogs, please. I surrender. I apologise. I am chastened and will never use ‘hot tub’ and ‘Marin county’ in the same sentence again.” Yes, Marinites are just that ferocious, though they usually reserve their anger for non-organic produce.

7. Where donuts go to die

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For the fifth year running, the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation has ranked Marin the healthiest county in California. Talk about pressure. Who wants to give up their cheese stuffed crust to keep the bar that high?

8. Dream crusher

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Okay, so maybe being healthy isn’t the worst thing in the world, but who wants their kids attending a school who’s graduating class is rumored to have voted beloved local comedian Robin Williams least likely to succeed? We’re looking at you Redwood High School.

9. The criminal mastermind next door

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While undeniably fun to read about from afar, you probably don’t want to live in the county that this criminal emerged from. Max Wade, 17 years old at the time, who went from selling fake IDs to rappelling down to a second floor dealership showroom  in San Francisco and driving Guy Fieri’s yellow $220,000 Lamborghini out the front door. When police found the car in a storage locker a year later they also discovered guns, disguises, cell phone jammers, police scanners, dismantled assault weapons, and a full San Francisco police uniform. The story gets weirder: when Wade was in Marin County Juvenile Hall two suspects tried to break him out on his 18th birthday with a sledgehammer. He has also been the subject of a music video. Wade was sentenced for the theft and the gun-ambush of two Marin teens, one of whom was dating his love interest.

10. Terminating the Governator

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Marin was one of six California counties not to vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger as governor in 2006. The Governor lost the county by 2,000 votes. Now that The Terminator has nothing but free time on his hands, will he travel back to seek revenge?

11. Hippie-haven?

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Though Marin has a reputation for being a hippie haven, it hasn’t seen those days since the Grateful Dead were in their heyday. The most exciting things happening now are events like the controversy caused by Tiburon voting to spend $200,000 to place six security cameras at strategic points along the two roads in and out of the town. They claim it’s to prevent stolen cars from passing through and to be fair they did catch Guy Fieri’s stolen Lamborghini on camera.

12. Really, though?

Lastly, because of these items up on Thought Catalog articles titled “113 Signs You’re From Marin County

“4. You spend $100 on Lulu pants because ‘it is SO worth it’…

6. Novato is considered the ghetto

7. You got a car for your 16th birthday”

For the record, Novato houses look like this:

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