If Every U.S. State Were A Mustache, Which Mustache Would They Be?
Each of the America’s 50 states have their own official state song, state bird, and even state motto. So why don’t they all have their own official state mustache? With gridlock in government at an all time high, we at Estately took on the chore of determining which recognizable mustache best represents the unique qualities of each state (and the District of Columbia).
ALABAMA: Round these parts,ladies still speak in hushed tones about that local boy Lionel Richie and his dashing mustache. Shame on him for running to California with it.
ALASKA: Alaska’s men claim to prefer beards to mustaches because of the freezing weather, but it’s really because they’re all hiding the most adorable little chin dimple.
ARIZONA: We could have gone with Wild West lawman Wyatt Earp for Arizona, but Nicholas Cage’s mustache in the movie Raising Arizona is basically what the sparse lip fuzz of puberty dream to be when they grow up.
ARKANSAS: Golfer John Daily was a whole lot better before he got all insecure about his patchy mustache and mullet, just like the state of Arkansas.
CALIFORNIA: There are a lot of mustaches to choose from in the Golden State, but if any mustache calls out to America the way the Hollywood sign does it’s definitely Will Ferrell’s in Anchorman.
COLORADO: Every reference to Colorado these days relates to the state’s legalization of marijuana and this selection of Cheech Marin from Cheech & Chong is no different.
CONNECTICUT: The state’s well known for its collection of deranged millionaires like John Hodgman.
DELAWARE: Over 63% of all Fortune 500 companies are incorporated in Delaware because it’s a miniature tax haven for corporations. Basically, it’s like New Jersey and Maryland got really drunk and nine months later gave birth to the Cayman Islands, but without nice beaches.
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA: The nation’s capital is best known for its collection of grumpy old men who can’t agree on anything.
FLORIDA: Aging, overly tanned, and appearing on the verge of losing its marbles… Florida gets Geraldo Rivera.
GEORGIA: Smokey & the Bandit is a movie featuring actor Burt Reynolds and his willful efforts to deliver 400 cases of beer to Atlanta. Georgia is a state that experiences high rates of thirst. The residents of Georgia boast some of the finest mustaches in all of America.
HAWAII: With stunning beauty and rugged terrain, Hawaii instills desire in all who see it, just like Tom Selleck in Magnum PI.
IDAHO: As Barbie drifts off to sleep at night, she dreams that Ken could grow the manliest of mustaches like Mr. Potato Head.
ILLINOIS: Obviously, it’s former Bears coach Mike Ditka. Who else was it going to be?
INDIANA: When NBA legend Larry Bird first set foot on the Indiana State University campus, his mustache was just a wisp of corn silk. It remains that way to this day.
IOWA: In the world of professional wrestling, it doesn’t get any more all-American than Sgt. Slaughter. Same goes for Iowa when compared to other states.
KANSAS: Much like Weird Al Yankovic, Kansas remains loyal to polka and home perm kits.
KENTUCKY: Did you know that Kentucky’s spirit animal is NFL defensive end Jared Allen?
LOUISIANA: Prince may be from Minnesota, but his style and attitude are pure New Orleans.
MAINE: The great state of Maine owns the title of The #1 U.S. State for Cat Lovers so obviously they’re represented by Hamilton The Hipster Cat.
MARYLAND: The state’s own John Waters, obviously.
MASSACHUSETTS: The state is infatuated with the beards of the Boston Red Sox, but their true facial hair love is Cliff Clavin’s mustache on Cheers.
MICHIGAN: When Samuel L. Jackson is trying to get into one of his more badass roles, he tries to channel the spirit of Michigan.
MINNESOTA: The Swedish Chef and Minnesota pair together like… Aweenda shmure of froog’s legs and und buuttur sooose da bork bork bork bork.
MISSISSIPPI: Nobody cherishes a fictional past like Uncle Rico and Mississippi.
MISSOURI: Nice work, Missouri. Mark Twain’s mustache is one all Americans can respect.
MONTANA: Joe Montana only sported his fu manchu-style ‘stache briefly, but it was allegedly inspired by a biker he saw at a bar in Billings, Montana.
NEBRASKA: The Holy Grail of mustaches is that of Ron Swanson, and Nebraska claims the much-envied ‘stache with a combination of rugged individualism and reluctant kindness.
NEVADA: Sorry, Nevada. It’s Ron Jeremy for you.
NEW HAMPSHIRE: The Granite State is best represented by the classic Brawny Man, not that wimpy one they use now that lacks a mustache.
NEW JERSEY: New Jersey boviously gets matched up with Carl Brutananadilewski from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, which means New Jersey’s army of online commenters will rip this apart in the comments.
NEW MEXICO: A land where an old cowboy can still get some of that good sarsaparilla, just like The Stranger did in The Big Lebowski.
NEW YORK: There are two entities in this world that think more of themselves than anything else—James Franco and New York.
NORTH CAROLINA: The Tar Heel State has produced plenty of great race car drivers that would have worked, but Dale Earnhardt’s mustache is even better than Richard Petty’s.
NORTH DAKOTA: The movie Fargo put North Dakota on the cinematic map, and Steve Buscemi (Carl/the little fella) had the film’s best mustache. We could have also gone with North Dakota-born rapper Wiz Khalifa.
OHIO: The animated character Cleveland Brown from The Cleveland Show was chosen because Cleveland is a city in Ohio. That’s the level of thought that was put into this map.
OKLAHOMA: Chuck Norris is from Oklahoma, and while he lives in Texas now his mustache still lives on a ranch in Oklahoma. And that mustache is where Norris’ true source of power.
OREGON: Oregon runner Steve Prefontaine is one of the most perfect mustaches to ever grace an upper lip.
PENNSYLVANIA: You know whose mustache rocked? That of John Oates, of Philly rock duo Hall & Oates.
RHODE ISLAND: Someday, when little Rhode Island grows up to be a big state it will be able to grow a respectable mustache, but until then it’s just Michael Cera’s wispy little hipster ‘stache.
SOUTH CAROLINA: Those southern manners are so genteel, so Mr. Belvedere.
SOUTH DAKOTA: You know who’s really tough? Charles Bronson and South Dakota.
TENNESSEE: The Country Music Capital of the World is best represented by the premier mustache in country music—Alan Jackson’s.
TEXAS: Yosemite Sam is pretty spot on for Texas.
UTAH: Utah is a very friendly, very pious neighbor, just like Ned Flanders. Just ask Colorado.
VERMONT: Super Troopers was cinematic gold for Vermont, and Jay Chandrasekhar’s character had the nicest mustache of the cast.
VIRGINIA: Having Carl Weathers as your spirit mustache creates a lot of pressure, Is Virginia up to the challenge?
WASHINGTON: It’s hard to find a tech geek who can grow a proper mustache, but Kip from Napoleon Dynamite provides an ideal template for The Evergreen State.
WEST VIRGINIA: The mustache of the late Rick Rude was the most feared and admired mustache in all of pro wrestling. Be proud, West Virginia. Be proud.
WISCONSIN: Actor Richard Riehle is a Wisconsin native best known for his role in Office Space. He’s also one hell of an American.
WYOMING: Actor Wilfred Brimley was once a ranch hand, bodyguard, and blacksmith, so he can pretty much do it all, just like Wyoming.
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